The Grieving Cycle

To further explain Grief and Loss we can examine Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’ model on Grief.

1. Denial

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

Although Kubler-Ross’ model was originally developed to help terminally ill patients face their own deaths, many modern therapists, psychologists and clinicians have adopted the model to help patients and clients work through their own unique trauma

The stages of Kubler-Ross’ Grieving Cycle are not necessarily linear or ordered. Depending on the individual involved, stages can be skipped or repeated (sometimes indefinitely). The model becomes organic and unique once it is applied to a person. While some individuals find closure when reaching the stage of ‘acceptance’, others relapse and revert back to earlier stages. The therapeutic ideal is to work through the pain and distress in order to eventually move on.

M Scott Peck explains that it is important for mentally-healthy individuals to continuously grow. According to Peck, growth can be explained as a lifelong process of “loss, or giving-up of the old self”. Loss (grief) is thus a necessary proponent to healthy change and growth in any human being. To change and grow we need to continuously part with our old-selves and old, outdated beliefs and perspectives. This process can be traumatic, albeit very subtle.

The fictitious Mr P.:

Mr P. has recently started working as a teacher at a new school.

New colleagues, new learners, new subjects, new rules. The novelty of the situation requires Mr P. to surrender his previously held notions of the role of a teacher to accommodate an updated (or more appropriate version) thereof. The clash between Mr P.'s internalized reality (how things are and should be) and this new paradigm (this is how things work now) causes internal conflict. He becomes angry. Angry at himself for leaving his old job, angry at his new colleagues and their expectations and angry at the learners and their ill-discipline.

Mr P.’s inappropriate aggression is turned inwards and he soon lapses into depression.

Mr P. feels powerless over his lessons, his role as a teacher and over his learners. Mr P. feels inadequate and overwhelmed. Teaching was never this stressful. It used to be enjoyable, too.

Realizing the futility of his emotions, Mr P starts bargaining with himself and others:

“Maybe I can return to my old school and they will accept me back. Things can return to how they were”.

“Maybe I can slip away when school ends and avoid my colleagues and their silly expectations”.

“Class! I am new here. I need you to calm down, behave, and listen to me! Or else!”

Mr P., being introspective, emotionally mature and realizing the need to claim responsibility over his new circumstances, moves from bargaining to seeking solutions (Acceptance):

“I made my choice and I’ll see it through. I’ve been through worse, this isn’t really that bad. This is an amazing school and that’s why I accepted the offer”

“I should engage with my colleagues. They’ve all been really accepting and helpful. I can even seek some guidance from the principal who’s been nothing but helpful."

Mr P continues to assert his presence and soon learners relate to their new teacher and his expectations.

This illustration provides a brief, hypothetical example of traversing the stages of grief. His process of growth, as a healthy individual, required him to ‘let-go’ (mourn) the old and find meaning in the new. According to Scott-Peck’s explanation, Mr P could have either decided to withdraw from the process of growth and settle into a continued state of despair and depression or assimilate to his new reality (his new life) which required some sacrifice for growth.

Grieving, in the sense of this article, can be used as a tool. It allows us to identify personal factors which cause stagnation, depression and despair and empower us to challenge these with firm belief in our individual capacity to grow and overcome. Our reactions to Life's challenges manifest as emotions we find in the grieving cycle. We realize they are not threats. Our discomfort should be seen, and approached as, opportunities to grow, learn and conquer.

Bibliography:

Erikson EH. The Life Cycle Completed. Norton, 1982.
Kessler, D. grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/; .
Kubler-Ross E. On Death and Dying. Collier Books Macmillan Publishing, 1969.
Peck, M. Scott. (1978;1992). The Road Less Travelled. Arrow Books