Caveman baby, modern baby - Tantrums and the human fight condition.

Young elephant tantrum

Does a baby elephant bite its mum when it’s miserable? No, it doesn’t. Elephant babies do have tantrums, as do many other animals but there’s little that I can find that shows proof that any other baby animal intentionally sets out to hurt others. They’re vocal and they play up, even throw things in frustration, but they do not get violent towards another. (With the exception of certain primate species who have ‘naturally abusive mothers’ from the start – this is a fascinating read - https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3954978/ )

Obviously, even human babies and children with violent carers learn to copy their ‘role model’. However, that is not what I was investigating here. I wanted to see what made a lovely, angelic child from a well-adjusted background turn into the devil-child and ‘intentionally’ cause pain.

I went back to basics and asked myself a question before I picked up the study. Do babies and toddlers ‘learn’ to hit or do they just do it?

Well, hopefully most will have been cuddled and settled during times of, what to them would be a great deal of stress. A hungry baby will be fed, a dirty baby will be cleaned and so on. It didn’t make sense that a child could learn to hit when there was no stimulus like it to replicate. So, if they do not learn it, how do they know to do it and why?

Well, they don’t KNOW how to. It’s instinct. And the why comes along with that. One study seems to suggest that we are wired to aggression from before birth. R. Douglas Fields, Ph.D, senior investigator at the National Institutes of Health in Bethesda, Maryland and author of “Why we snap” writes

“It’s part of the brain’s threat detection mechanism. The key concept is this anger and aggression exists to fight and exists for violence because we need it.”

In other words, it is that neurotransmitters in our brain fire up the fight and flight response to anything that disturbs our happy little souls right from day one. Dr Fields suggests that this is a direct throwback from the cave-men days when even babies needed to have a touch of survival in them.

To a modern-day child, they may not have to worry about being eaten for breakfast, but they do get upset that they can’t have their own way. The thing is, the wiring in the brain can’t tell the difference. In Dr Fields’ writing it is suggested that the fight or flight instinct has not yet been written into the subroutine of being reasonable and assessing a situation. It’s all about survival to a child. That means, take away favourite teddy incites an anger response which triggers distress. Distress triggers the fight or flight response mechanism. Hormones and nervous system get to work and, in an instant, you have a raging whirlwind fighting for his life – or his teddy bear.

In my previous posts I show the human ability to punch and the fight or flight internal systems. Put those together into a small package that has no control or sense of reason and you have dynamite. Basically, babies are mini cave men and react as such. They haven’t learned the ‘why?’ of it all. That develops with time, and experience.

Dr Fields also states that girls are hardwired to hurt themselves in a tantrum. Self-harming 2-year olds seems a little alarming, but I can say from experience as a mother I can believe this even without ‘proof’. Two examples I can share from experience. Baby A and Baby B

Baby A was first born and was Tantrum Queen some days. She would bash her forehead on the wall or floor if she could get there until parent gave in for fear of brain damage. She started this even before she could walk, parent was constantly scooping her up and away from hard objects as the screaming began. This behaviour only stopped when the health visitor supported parent in letting my child bash herself to bits with no attention. Three days of that and one VERY distraught mother later child did stop, but that was a VERY testing time.

Baby B also the first born, even before she could walk she would scratch herself relentlessly if she was in a tantrum state. Mittens applied with tape simply resulted in her biting herself, or her parent instead. Once again it was grit and determination by parent to let this play out that stopped the behaviour (eventually) until the she-devil-child could articulate her needs in a less violent manner.

What made the babies do it in the first place? It’s back down to the instinctive nervous response to a perceived threat. It just manifests itself in a way they can ‘get what they want’ with a tantrum. Self-harm may be because it brings a protector to reinstall safety.

It is interesting to note that the girls both got a brother and neither of these boys showed anywhere near as bad tendencies toward violence and tantrums – self harming or otherwise. That’s just personal experience and not in any way scientific – but is does go a little way to back up Dr Fields’ theory/findings. Or maybe it's just firstborns! That may be worth a look at.

Okay, we now know that babies and toddlers react violently because they are basically as basic as we can get both emotionally and physiologically.
There is another interesting study that seems to show that tantrums also have a rhythm which I’ll link at the bottom. It’s too much for my post but any parents reading might want to read that.

In conclusion, temper tantrums in babies and toddlers are perfectly normal. It’s a hardwire ‘fault’ where the link between survival and security had not yet been formed. Because it’s a fight or flight issue they feel trapped and try to fight their way out of it.

This behaviour becomes reinforced when we react to give the child the toy or food (seen as security) and so the next time something worries them they revert to what they know works and hey presto a kicking, screaming devil’s child arises from that sweet angel you love.

Next time… Does the use of a weapon increase the ‘need’ to be violent? A physiological response.