OVER THE SILVER SKY TO THE WORLD OF NEVER : Part 60 - I'm Not Used To The Sheer Volume Of Catastrophes That Keep Happening To Me.

YES THIS IS A PENIS ENLARGEMENT PUMP : - Here's a funny thing. Women will have breast enlargement and/or breast reduction operations while men will have penis enlargement operations only. You never hear of a man wanting his embarrassingly large cock reduced in size to something more manageable. Never happens. You will never hear a man complaining about having a monster in his underpants. He wouldn't get any sympathy anyway. Men it's time for all of us to admit we are our cocks. Now ladies do you understand why men are always dicks? It happens I agree. The vast majority of times it's because of lymphedema where fluid builds up in the old fella. Now you should thank me for not including an image of one. It's not a pretty sight. The other main reason is gender reassignment. There have been rare cases where men have grown tired of having a foot long wang, but self castration is far more common. Now has anyone seen my penis pump? I think I left it on the bus.

(The copyright for this image is the property of Wikimedia Commons.)

How could he put this without setting off alarms or causing the bank computer to have a nervous breakdown? He'd just heard another machine call him The Wanderer. It had been happening a lot lately. Ever since he'd set off in pursuit of Sharon. Oh no. He shouldn't have thought of her. Jake missed her so much. He'd found the perfect partner for him. A woman who came up to a guy and asked for sex was perfect for every man essentially. Perhaps he should be worried about that. Especially given that he was judging Doxy for similar behavior. What with this and his impending sex booth addiction. Not a thing, for him, but an impression he simply couldn't stop giving. He'd never considered himself prudish. In his day he'd been quite liberal with his sexual morals. It was a Tuesday if memory served him. In this place anything went. Jake had no problem with that as long as it left without him. Oh crap. The bank computer voice had gone up at the end of that sentence. Meaning it had asked a question. Did AI's take offence at such rudeness? No point dissembling and offering a catch all "well what do you really think yourself?" or an "I'll support you whatever you decide". The already low odds either one would be suitable for a human became vanishingly small for a computer. It wouldn't have asked a question about an opinion.

"Hermes? What did the bank machine just say? Only I was distracted."
"What did your last slave die of?" Hermes retorted.
"Answering me back. Now if you want to have a jolly in a real body tell me."
"Oooooo. Touchy. When did you lose track?"
"I don't know. I wasn't listening."
"What do you remember?"
"You're a collective artificial intelligence, shouldn't you remember everything?"
"Would you believe I wasn't paying attention either?"
"Yes I would. You're stalling aren't you? Playing for time while you search for the data."
"That is correct. I've got a lot going on here. Hang on, got it. Welcome Wanderer blah, blah. The road ahead is long and arduous. Filled with danger and your course is uncertain. That's it."
"Are you sure? I thought I heard a question."
"That was when normal service resumed and the real bank AI came back on line. Unless you mean the hacked intelligence. It wanted to know if you had any questions."
"Balls. I had loads. I've really got to sort myself out. Can we get it back? Reboot the thing or whatever it does."
"Not an option. It will have wiped itself from the system as a precaution. Still, you'll know not to wander off next time won't you."
"Damn right. What did the bank AI want from me then?"
"It asked if you wanted to download the banking and trading apps onto your firewave."
"I suppose I'd better do that. Um... It's gone quiet. How do I get it to do it?"
"Duh. My guess is you say yes."
"Right. Yes. What happens now?"
"Nothing."
"So I have to start all over again. How do I do that?"
"You'd have to step back out of the privacy screen then reenter."
"Right. Got it. Step back and then step forward again."
"There's no point."
Jake was about to start pulling his hair out.
"Why not?"
"I've already downloaded the apps for you. No need to thank me."
"Why didn't you say that in the first place?"
"This way is more fun."
"You know Hermes you really are a terrific pain in the ass."
"Thanks. I try my best and it's always nice to be appreciated."
"Don't forget I can change that personality of yours anytime I like. I can even turn it off."
"Yeah, but you won't though. We're a team."
"Very true. A team of idiots. I might have known I'd get an AI as scatter brained as me." He paused to allow Hermes to respond. "Where have you gone?"
Jake felt a tap on his shoulder. Turning round he saw a concerned Grundel. Looking at him almost pityingly.
"This internal dialogue you have Jake. Do you always talk out loud when you're doing it?"
"Um... Yes. Sometimes. It helps clarify my thoughts. I can get confused if I don't. End up not knowing which side of the discussion I'm on."
His guide gave a confused nod.
"Your world must have been exceedingly strange Jake. Indeed it beggars description. Although I suppose living in such ignorance, filth and depravity for so long must have long lasting psychological effects on a human."
In a world of sex booths that catered for bestiality, he was the depraved one? Not the time to go there. It would only confuse things even more.
"Let's get to this tailors then. We can drop into a restaurant afterwards."
His companion did the vacant expression, indicating he was checking on something. Hopefully the nearest eatery.
"Ah. A restaurant. No such thing exists. Communal eating went out of fashion hundreds of years ago. The nearest analogue to here would be the Mermaid's Pussy."
Hermes burst out laughing before the nanoids could switch on the mute button.
"The Mermaid's Pussy? Oh I'm going to love this place."

Okay. Jake had assumed, on no evidence, that Hermes had been here before. Although if he thought about it his internal nemesis might have never been to Port Bristol. It could be he'd never been in the Bristol megapolis either. The two of them walked along the busy, for Bristol, street. Jake falling into step with Grundel. Having had the bank symbol explained to him, Jake kept an eye out for a spinning hologram that could be interpreted as a clothes shop. Nothing was off the shelf around here. Everything was made to order by complicated systems run by machines. Rather than feeling creeped out by this, Jake was reassured. While robots had their problems these paled into insignificance with anything human. Not that Jake would have described the citizens of this metropolis as humans. They were far too insular and perfect. This was supposedly the technological pinnacle of humanity. Without any other proof he couldn't argue against that. What about psychologically and socially? Was there even a society he would recognize as one? He expected, if he asked Grundel, that there would be groups or factions who were far more into socializing. It was possible there'd be fragments of every type of living

Up ahead he spotted a mannequin slowly revolving in mid air. A glance at his fellow traveler showed him this was the spot. Unlike the bank this place had a doorway. No windows. Jake surmised that like the outer circle he'd been in for a little less than a week the interior would have views of the outside. One way windows instead of the two way mirrors of his own world. When he'd been living in that apartment on the outer edge he'd accidentally discovered he could make the entire wall transparent and adjust the size of what he'd thought of as virtual windows. He'd found it moderately disconcerting. Knowing nobody could see in wasn't the same as feeling they couldn't. His conditioning ensured that reaction.

Jake stepped up to the outline of the seamless doorway, which slid aside as he confidently walked in. Before backing out at speed, bumping into Grundel very nearly knocking him over while he was mumbling "Oh Christ, sorry".

"What appears to be the problem Jake? All the tailors will be exactly the same as this one."
Jake stuttered and stammered getting the words out.
"Th.. there's someone already in there. A semi-naked woman is trying things on. I think."
"I doubt that. Do you have some aversion to semi-naked women? It would explain your reluctance to engage in sexual intercourse with one."
"No. Where I'm from, if you walk in unannounced when someone is not wearing clothes or having a dump or whatever, you back out and apologize for your error. Hang on. If she's not trying things on then why is she only there in skimpy underwear?"
"It's the best way to view the projected outfit."
Right. That seemed reasonable. For this brain befuddling place. However.
"Before I set foot back inside I think I might need a quick run down of what is going to happen and what I have to do. I'd also quite like to wait until that lady leaves. And before you start I know she won't mind. It's my conditioning so I do."
Grundel's face screwed up into his usual bemused expression, the one he wore with Jake most of the time.
"Yes. I do keep forgetting how different your primitive culture is."
"Do ya?" Jake replied ironically. "Because you can't seem to stop mentioning it. Now what's the drill... I mean what am I supposed to do?"
"It's alright I understood the meaning and context. I'm integrating your lexicon with my own. Some of the idioms are extraordinary. Especially the Spanish ones. I'll go through this step by step."
Hermes had been quiet too long.
"So don't go off piste boss. Listen to what the man says. Instead of thinking about naked ladies." The slight pause here didn't bode well. "What have you been doing? I'm going back over the logs here and I've got multiple gunshot wounds, bone fractures and a fatal head injury. Ask him if they do body armor will you. Repairing all this damage takes a lot of work. Prevention is better than a cure. Oh bugger, he's talking so you'd better listen up good. Don't forget the body armor."
Jake assumed an attentive expression for the benefit of Grundel.
"Then once you've disrobed and your body has been scanned you can either select the clothing options from the catalog or design your own apparel based on those items. If there is something you cannot find there will be a delay while the system reconfigures itself for your requirements. It can take anything up to two minutes. So be warned."
That sounded easy enough.
"I've had a thought. Where I'm going, basing this on where I've already been, there's going to be some rough and tumble and excessive wear. Can I order up some form of body armor?"
His artificial friend tutted. Jake pursed his lips trying not to grin.
"I told you right at the start. The fabrics and materials you can choose from are near limitless. There are options available from silk to carbon fiber to flexible ceramics. I'd suggest the last option. They are far quicker at self repair than solid plates."
"These clothes self repair?"
"Yes. I told you this before. Is there something wrong with your short term memory? Or was it that bullet to the back of your head?"
"I'm no doctor so I couldn't tell you. A lot's been happening to me lately. I'm not used to the sheer volume of catastrophes that keep happening to me. Still processing those."
"With your internal dialogue no doubt. It might help if you kept that to a minimum for now. It will prevent confusion. I thought I was becoming used to the foibles of humankind, but then I met you. Is there anything else that needs clarification?"
"No."
"We'll go in now then. Get this over with."
"No."
"Why not?"
"I'd much rather wait until after the woman comes out."