Maybe you are just meant to be a drifter...?!
What you say is so recognizable (except for the daughter-part, since I don't have one. Lol)
I still feel like I'm going to miss out on something interesting when I should go to sleep.
I've kind of accepted the fact that 'my thing' is everything and nothing. I see people around me finding there place in life and doing what they feel they are meant to do. Sometimes I envy them, sometimes I don't.
I actually like the search... I often think that I'm addicted to it. And that it is just that addiction that prevents that I find what I think I'm looking for.
I am okay with this part of it.
This is one of my worries - what if it is an addiction? then I am no better than a heroin addict with a different target.
I don't think those two can be compared. First of all, it is it's not self-destructive, and second: you learn a lot while searching - even though it might be just a little of everything.
I don't really see it as a negative thing. I think searching has contributed to my personal growth way more than anything else.
Every now and then I miss the feeling of satisfaction, but then I realize that I learn something new every day, whether it is about myself or something else. Sometimes it's a huge important thing , sometimes just a small detail. That can be positive or negative, it doesn't matter. Fact is, I learn through searching.
And yes, maybe that means I only know a little about a lot, but I can't imagine what it must be like to have my personal 'thing'.
I guess my 'thing' is the neverending search.
Most of the time, I don't really mind. Mainly because I believe that's what life is all about: searching and learning. Finding out who you are.
Imo, there is no control in lie experience.
I'm a control freak, but life teaches me every day again that I'm not in control. There are so many factors, of which most are out of my control...
Anyway... like I said, there are times that I regret I haven't found something that is really 'my thing', but I always feel like I'm moving towards something: more knowledge and - even more important - more insight in myself.
Direction with intention may sound good, but if I imagine what I would have missed in life if I had found what I was meant to do when I was a kid or a teenager - or even later in life.... There are so many things to explore... finding is the end point. And then what? Do you stop sarching? Do you stop learning? Will you only focus on that one thing? (Genuine questions... I really can't picture what it must be like)
Lately, I've been reading quite a lot of your posts. The insights you often share prove you searched and learned about many different things. Life, just to name one example.
Being a drifter in a society that is all about direction and performance may feel lonely and unsatisfying sometimes, but I believe it is a strenght
It could be self-destructive though.
What happens if you find your thing, but believe the never ending search is your thing and keep searching?
What happens if you start to focus on the negatives to create an excuse to keep moving on, never accepting of anything with a flaw, including with people?
You got me there...
I must admit my reply was a little short-sighted.
I only have to look at myself to know it can be self-destructive...
That sentence just triggered an understanding of something my therapist said earlier this week. I didn't get it at the time, but now I do.
Maybe the reason I beat myself up all the time about my flaws is exactly that. I accept other people's flaws, but not my own... at all.
Maybe it is indeed an excuse to keep moving on...
Maybe I'm just scared to find my 'thing', because I don't know what comes next... I only know how to search...
Food for thought, for sure!
Thanks!
I have no idea about your personal position, but I do think that we should examine life a little more and our place in it. Glad that it made you think a little deeper in this area at least. Have a nice weekend :)
Thanks. You too!