Last thoughts to close the weekend

When I was in my mid teens I got very ill, very fast and my body degraded quickly to the point I required a blood transfusion, weighed less than forty kilos and wasn't expected to make it. 25 years later, I am pretty sure that my illness will be the thing that kills me in some way, but I am still here for now.

I used to question my illness because there was no identifiable cause and it would have been easier if there was. I wasn't fat, I didn't smoke, I ate relatively well, I exercised and I was 16 - I should have been fine. Life doesn't care about whst is expected though, it just does what it does and it was this that helped me accept thst whatever my condition, I have one life to lead.

Leadership is a funny thing I believe, as while some talk about born leaders and people worthy to follow, most of us back ourselves in the decisions we make. Of we aren't fit to lead others, what makes us believe we are capable of leading ourselves? One life to lead, my own.

I think many of us shirk our responsibilities in self-leadership as we look for something external to guide us, a partner, friend, pootician, ideology or one of the many Gods. It seems safer to put our lives in the hands of others, even if all they promise is something that they never will need prove. One day, your heaven will arrive, whether it be past the pearly gates or in the form of your deepest desires realized - there is always a promise of some kind.

I realised the other day, I don't make promises to my daughter, but I do make promises to myself about her. I promise myself that I will care for her and do what I think is right to provide her a life of valuable opportunity and by extension, this means providing opportunities for others too. Some want to own it all, but having all is worthless of there is no one able to share the experience with, no one who understands. And, I believe the road to ownership matters more than what is owned.

The cliché of it's the journey holds in my opinion, and heaven bought doesn't mean one deserves heaven. I don't believe in heaven, nor a God, but I don't deny that they may both exist and if I am wrong, I will readily admit it. What I do think though is that I am capable of being objective enough to evaluate my own life on basic terms of whether I am leading a good life, or a poor life through the choices I make and the way in which I treat people.

I do not have to justify my behavior to myself in order to for it to my ethical position as many tend to when it comes to what they do and how they try to convince others as to why it is okay. It is kind of like the smoker feeling it isn't fair they got cancer, or the overweight person complaining about their heart disease or diabetes as if it is a surprise outcome.

Once I die, I don't have to live with myself or my decisions, but others will and therefore I still feel a sense that my life continues past my own death. We all have a legacy of some kind and while no one might be able to single out a name, there are people who are responsible for outcomes, even though they can't be held accountable.

Accountability is another interesting area especially online as many words and behaviors come with no consequence and often no visibility on outcomes. Say what you want at any cost, because the cost won't have to be paid by the speaker. I wonder if those who troll and go out of their way to cause harm would look at themselves in the same way of they had to physically act to cause they same harm. The internet acts as a filter and a proxy for many so they can intentionally try to inflict pain without having to face their victim. Quite pathetic and likely these are the people who are power hungry in real life, but havent the capabilities to satisfy their appetite. Bullies who feel powerful without realizing it is theh who are broken.

I have no problem with bullies, I think they are a necessary part of the world at this time as they force many problems into the light, and it is there they can be discovered, investigated and dealt with. While many will be harmed by the world's bullies, many will also be much stronger for it by evolving. Without bullies, there would be no heroes.

Of course, you might be imagining the mean kid at school, or the sadist internet troll who takes pleasure in believing that they inflict pain on others, but there are more than that on this world, but they are all cut from the same cloth. They all want control over others. No different to a dictator, government or bank.

Perhaps it is because they cannot control themselves and their urges and without others they feel lost and rudderless. Alone. That is probably why so many are attention seeking, and have fragile egos that they feel they must flex whatever muscles they have to try and impress others. Validation seeking.

It is interesting what people find important enough to spend their time on, interesting because it will lead to the outcomes of their life and while there is plenty of noise in the system, we do have some direction over our own behavior. Well, I believe that because I feel I have agency over my actions and take responsibility and the resulting consequences of them. Others may or may not, but I feel that people are continually looking to limit their responsibility, not increase it. No wonder people increasingly find their outcomes of life unfair. Perhaps if they looked at what led them there from the position of their self reflected.

As said, I don't make promises to my daughter, because I can't predict what will happen between the words I speak to her and when I must fulfil them. However, I always say I will try my best, and I always do. I think it is important for me to try my best because even if there is no heaven, the life lived was the best it could be.

What would a life of perfect decisions look like?

I wouldn't know looking back, but in the moment it was all I could do.

Taraz
[ a Steem original ]

(posted from phone and in bed to close the weekend)