Welcome to #comedyopenmic. Yeah, you do look like a vampire, I don't blame your kids for running away. I hope that eye heals up nicely without any infections.

All humans have a semi-nomadic/nomadic ancestry. So when we stagnate and stay sedentary in one place we inadvertently become hoarders.
At least that’s my theory.

This is an interesting theory, it would certainly explain the hoarding. That or just buying a lot of unnecessary wants instead of getting just what's needed. I think the latter is my family's problem.