random rambel my home is a prison

it has always been and it still is. its a man outside my door he is working on the fence. so then a cant go outside.
a need the stay inside to he is gone. its my day off work is sunny outside its a prefect day to go on my bike. but a cant. a cant. way..ho is home the middle of the week a feel a need to explain my self to him but a now he dont care. but my kids part dont believe this, he will judge me he will judge my bike clothes he will wonder way am alone in my flat. he is knowing am here. so a need to hide. so now maby am sick or something. same as yesterday. its a saying in norway called dørståkk mila. (doorstep miles). its hard to move form the couch to go outside. a think we all feel this.

but my prison is old and so devastating its more my state of mind a feel. its a real problem when a have my days off to do anything meaning full. but most of my place in my life my home feels real my loneliness and my sadness is holding me in prison. then am adding one more layer to be in my flat. this feeling is just sinking opp on me when am at home normal a feel ok a few hours or so but after some time a slowly going down the hole of inactivity. inactivity is safe. noting happen there. just wasting my life.
no progress noting there its the facts a feel lost a dont now what or ho a want to be. am at a stale mate on all fronts just lack my life it self a feel am in a great big intersection whit a lot of options but all of them are so hard. no real way out. so my been in my flat to day its not so much of the man outside its so much bigger then this. maby this is the problem it self am not ability to separate problems or all the problems are more or less from the same place.