All of Me
I am what I am...and I am grateful for all of it.
I am the mother and the lover, the giver and the receiver. I am both sustenance and the frivolous. I am sex, and I exude the essence of the feminine. I am dance and play and pleasure. I am the captive, surrendered.
I am highly self aware BECAUSE of my experiences with and the pain of anxiety. Anxiety helped me develop strong self reflection skills. It has helped me understand and empathize with others when they struggle. Anxiety has brought me closer to Sean spending hours/days/months (years) working through it together.
Managing anxiety taught me to be honest and open about however I truly felt, at first only with Sean, and over time with an ever expanding circle of people. I feel alive by helping fellow seekers grow and unfold, and by tending my core relationships. I now have deep friendships and true bonds with people from all over the world because I learned to stop hiding, and instead openly share my experiences and the essence of who I am. My level of openness is a thing of rare beauty. I am incredibly numinous. This draws people to me and inspires them to express more of their true selves. I am the pebble thrown in the pond...ripples.
I embrace my darkness and my light. I am both sin and salvation. I am whole by accepting all that I am, and I am grateful for every single tiny little life experience.
The above was inspired by many recent interactions and experiences, and this morning my reading of Louise Hay's book, "You Can Heal Your Own Life." It is basically a personal journal entry that started out as me trying to accept or embrace my experiences with anxiety. Like, to see ways that anxiety has actually benefitted me vs resisting and regretting it. I don't want to fight or begrudge it, but I also don't want to attach to anxiety being such a part of me that I can't move beyond it if somehow that opportunity comes someday. So parts above are written in the present tense and other times past tense trying to reflect my present acceptance without future attachment.
It felt like poetry as I wrote. It was allowing the core of my being to speak. "I" was just a vessel. The words poured out powerfully. They felt both heavy and light at the same time. It felt like I had no choice but to let this out, and I still feel this way now as I try to type and explain here...my hands feel both heavy and energized on the keyboard. Like they are possessed by some higher energy.
Every word above I know to be truth from the core of my belly. I am not always able to exude the full truth of my being because anxiety pops up and blocks my light, but my truth is still here and does not change. Only recently have I realized and accepted certain things about myself... like that underneath it all I am dance and play, or that I am both the darkness and the light. If you know me well in person you may laugh at that...hell, I wanted to laugh at some of that after at first after I wrote it! Historically I often presented not as dance and play, but as work and worry! But that was just the darkness of anxiety masking my truth. I am both and all...anxiety and joy, work and play, darkness and light. 🙏🏽 (and so are you)
Your post touched me at the bottom of my heart (Hope this makes sense) and I simply can't find the right words to describe the sensation I felt reading it.
From the beginning I heard Meredith Brooks song "I'm a bitch...." playing in my head. Not that I think, that applies to you, but maybe the line... "angel on my knees?"
There seem to be a lot of really amazing... well... coincidences? As I got down to the last photo of your post, it was as if a big wave of energy hit me and it took quite some time for me to calm down. The picture looks like an unbelievably strong rendition of "The Magician" in the Tarot cards!
As you can see, I edited my original post, which seemed a bit crazy... I was a bit too overwhelmed it seems.
Hope it makes more sense now.
Thank you for sharing your so very personal journey :-)
I understand your sensations...bottom of your heart. Deep and core. 🙏🏽😘 thank you for letting me know that.
The Bitch song does apply to me...all of it of course, because we can't be parts of the feminine essence and not others. I'm a mess. I'm crazy some days. Then other days I AM a goddess on my knees...some days I'm both at the same time.
Yep, there do seem to be a lot of really cool coincidences with us. I like to think of Serendipity as a guide along our path . We are feeding each other and it's deliciously fun! Sean used to tell me some of my natural poses seemed archetypal. I had to look that up back when He said that, but when I did I saw what he meant. And I suppose the Tarot cards are based upon such images, so it seems you are seeing the same things. This is really fun for me so I love that you share your Tarot insights.
Looked up the Magician card...yes, wow! I instinctively raised my right arm in the last shot like the card. The Magician represents manifesting what we want so powerfully that it seems like magic? And then I read this:
"This magician takes responsibility for who he is and what he can do; the objects representing the four Tarot suits are there on the table, he stands alone, nothing is hidden."
Wow. That stunned me. Ive used almost the same words in recent posts and just what I represent in general. And again...I had no knowledge of the relationship between what I felt and Tarot.
You are a wise teacher. I'm grateful for our friendship here.
Meredith Brooks singer/songwriter? Or do you mean someone I don't know in the art world?
Meredith Brooks singer/songwriter :-)
I knew that's the Meridith Brooks you meant! Yes...Bitch...her song started playing in my head AFTER I had this big realization. There is that line "lover and a mother" in it like I said above, but I swear my insights happened from my gut, AND THEN I remembered her song. It is supporting my insight, not leading it. (Sorry, my ego just wants to claim autonomy.)
I'd love to hear more about your goosebump reaction that ..... wait...yes your post just got edited. So now my response is in reply to words that no longer exist. LOL
Hardly can get out of this state of amazement! Never thought, Meridith Brooks' song was leading your thoughts... actually, when I mentioned it, I thought you were most likely too young to even know it anyways.
So, it surprises me quite a bit to find out, a similar thing happened to you... your text sort of... "attracts" the song ;-) And its almost funny, that the first thought shooting through my head when I woke up this morning was: "..It's goddess" ..."goddess on my knees". Of course you knew it already ;-)
Hope you don't mind I edited my text. It seemed very personal and sometimes I need to remind myself, that this conversation takes place in the broad public! I'm a Scorpio ascendant and rather secretive by nature... normally don't even talk much about my feelings... if anything, deeply encrypt them in my paintings...
I know, its not prudent to ask a Lady about her age, but I would be very interested, to know your personal Tarot card. One needs the (honest) birth date though... I'm on steemit.chat with the same name, just in case ;-)
But I can also comment here with the (very easy) formula and you can calculate it yourself :-)
No of course I don't mind you edited. It's your comment. 🙏🏽 I only thought it was funny we were both there typing at the same time. 😂
I'm not an observer of prudence. My nature tends to want to hide and the way I manage that is the opposite - openness and full disclosure. I have no shame over my age...I'm 47. Just looked up Tarot birth card calculator, and mine are Death and the Emperor. How would you interpret that for me? 🙏🏽
When I say, I thought you were a lot younger, a friend I had in my Chicago days (an Italian art restorer) would have answered to me: "you are only saying this, because its true" ;-)
I'm sure, with the calculator they gave you at least a basic understanding of those two cards. From the way I learned the Tarot, "Death" is the higher one (Soul), representing transformation and "Emperor" the lower (Personality) representing order.
Before I go into this a bit further, it would be interesting to have your zodiac sign and your Chinese Horoscope (Dog?)
I have found this combination to give a more accurate picture, although I always recommend to take such things not to dead serious :-)
I'm an Aries Dog. 🐏🐩
I love this:
I've had many friends tell me how much they appreciate me sharing my thoughts openly. One even texted me a "like" because they felt they couldn't do so on Facebook directly or their clients and potential clients might see it and cost them some business. I want more people to be free to express themselves fully, but I realize how few can do that without facing negative consequences.
So much of what you're experiencing, I think, is one possible road once we get high enough up Maslow's Hierarchy of needs. When we're no longer living in fear of our basic needs, then we don't have to form ourselves into a mold which is safe and offends the least number of people possible. We can be ourselves and connect with others as ourselves. If someone doesn't like that, it's okay. There are other connections to be made and opportunities to explore. So many, it seems, are stifled by their jobs or their bosses or whatever hand that feeds them.
When you feed yourself, there is so much freedom.
I want to help improve the world, and I feel a burden for the least of these. I'm also starting to realize the best way to really bring about large-scale change may not be to just lift the lowest out of poverty, but might also be to get more well off people up to the top rung to self actualization. What would the world look like if we had a bunch of Elon Musks or Lhamo Dondrubs (the Dalai Lama) doing things to improve the world? That might bring more people out of poverty and suffering faster than anything else.
And, as you said, all experiences shape who we are. Suffering and pain lead to better understanding of love, joy, peace, and the like. I'm wondering if we'll ever get to the point where we can appreciate the latter without having to go through the former. Maybe not until transhumanism. Who knows.
As always, thanks for sharing your thoughts. I enjoy them.
Agreed Luke. Everything changes when we get clear on who we are, and then start expressing it - out loud. 🙏🏽🙌🏽 And it's most certainly easier when you have the means to self support, or even better, a community that supports you being you . When we are relying on a job, a boss, a parent, a spouse etc for support or self esteem support (aka approval) then we feel like we should just play nice, keep our nose clean and our mouths shut and just play along with the game of life to get the support. So I absolutely agree with you that this freedom you and I share to fully express ourselves out loud is a first world privilege. It's hard not to feel gratitude for our predicament every day. 🙏🏽
You seem to have a strong innate desire to help those less fortunate than you, and I love that about you. I have seen that desire show itself in other posts and comments you've made, so I sense this is something deeply a part of who you are? I too have long had an innate drive that my life somehow benefits others. But I sense a difference in our philosophies. Please forgive me if I'm reading you wrong Luke, but what I hear you saying is that people like us who are awake, and first world privileged, that we are morally responsible to try and directly use our gains (mentally, financially, or somehow) to pull others up from the bottom. Or at least that you personally feel this way... That those on the bottom of the Socio economic ladder don't have the means to lift themselves, like we do, and therefore must be rescued.
But my experience is that things don't work that way. I used to have the idea that I could just give and lift...and for years I personally supported, encouraged, financed and mentored numerous friends and family towards having a better life. For YEARS I've paid off their debts, given them the specific material items they said they needed in order to change, outright just fed them cash for years, and even moved friends into live with me who "just" needed shelter. Spent innumerable hours holding their hands as they talked through their shit and cried on my shoulder... I have almost been like a homeless pet shelter for the downtrodden humans that I loved. It seems I attract folks like this because I wanted to help people so much. But almost every time nothing I could do would make their shit go away. I could not raise them up. The only way out is through, and only they can do the work to get them through. IMO the single greatest thing we can do to help the world is work on ourselves and not hide. Me, us, them ...all. To know our self, and then, to be that. Knowing and being your true self IS the pebble in the water that impacts those around you. You're right. It doesn't impact those folks way out there at the edges who need it most. But working on ourself is everyone's best hope and those directly around you are positively impacted by you being more you...and they impact their friends, and their friends impact their own relationships and so on expansively like the ripples across the pond from that 1st pebble. Help is not reaching out to scoop up the outliers and bring them in. Has to come from the initial source first, otherwise it's reverse rippling and that just doesn't happen in nature. (Is that a Naturalistic fallacy like I hear Sean talk about? Idk, but you get what I mean. 😉)
I can't argue with the goodness of your heart or your intentions. I know you as a very brilliant and very kind human who genuinely wants to help others, and I love you for that. Maybe I should reach out and focus more on lifting other people up vs continue to only think about seeing myself more clearly. But all we can each do is trial and error through the methods that best resonate with each one of us. Truth probably lies somewhere in the middle in that each method works best in differing circumstances.
Ah, I love this! Thank you. :)
Yes, I do have a desire to be a philanthropist on some level, but I also see the folly in just "giving." I know, it doesn't work. It has been shown to not work. Sustainable development and local businesses seem like the most successful approach when it comes to helping in developing countries.
What you're describing about focusing on ourselves first is very similar to my post from about 5 months ago: How to Improve the World. I think when we're a bit broken, we attract broken people. When we're not only fixed but overflowing with love, joy, inspiration, activity, action and more, we not only attract that to ourselves, but we spread it around also.
One of my favorite examples of how I'd like to help improve the world is shown in this documentary:
Billionaires using their money to invent things to improve the world. How cool is that!
I do have a bit of the "Jesus complex" (or savior complex) which is probably a hold over from my upbringing in a Christian worldview. That said, I don't think others need to be rescued or that they can't do things on their own. Instead, from a moral / ethical perspective, I think of it from the Veil of Ignorance perspective. How would I like things to be structured if I happened to born as others without my privilege? What responsibility does that create for me?
Example: tonight our family had a fantastic dinner of sushi and more that cost us $100. That's a tremendous amount of money to spend for one family for one meal for many in the world. I don't feel guilty about that, but if I happened to be born in a different country, striving for daily food and clean water, I'd at least want to know that person recognizes the inequalities in the world and cares enough to see if something can be done to improve things.
We are on the same page. 🙏🏽 Your post from 5 months ago was awesome, and I'm glad you referenced that above. I was not active here five months ago so I had missed it. Oh, and then the video…! I knew none of that, but wow I will have a new appreciation for those nasty looking little 5 hour energy drinks I see on the counter at the gas station. That guy is a genius,and such a great heart to want to help the world ! And, Sean will totally want one of those bicycle generators ;-)
That bike would be good for kids too, right? "You guys want your electronic devices? Go pedal for an hour first so they will be powered!" 🤣👍🏽
Sean and I are doing some philanthropic and business ventures where one of the main intentions behind them is just to help others see themselves more clearly. Our yoga center for example… that's a labor of love and we hope to make life just a little better for thousands of folks that come through there. Oddly, I am less comfortable talking about actual things we do like that then blathering on about my own personal struggles and insights, because I am only starting to gain comfort with a sense of personal empowerment. I'm shifting more towards neutral though to where I can aknowledge both my darkness and my light. It's a process and that's progress.
I have not heard of the concept of the veil of ignorance either, but that's very helpful. The veil notion saves us from projecting our judgments and stories on others who may need help. Like even sometimes when when we want to help the poor or the downtrodden our ego judgments get triggered into "ya, but they made bad decisions and don't deserve…" then we hold back.
Thanks for engaging in dialogue with me 🙏🏽
I love what you are doing with the Yoga center. To me, that's a perfect an example of an enterprise with multiple levels of benefit for everyone involved.
Thank you also. I always enjoy our conversations!
Great comment. Enjoyed reading it Luke.
Thanks! I'm often inspired by @steemed-open.
Me too! She's a great gal with an even better channel!
Thanks 🙏🏽
That last pic is very interesting with the weather, colors, location and of course your pose along with the lines of your body. That's a keeper in my book. Hats off to you and the photographer. You are one of the most open, upfront and real people I've met here on steemit. Your content is interesting and opens one's mind. For this I thank you and look forward to more.
Thank you so very much. I really mean it...all I want is to be open and real and expand. It's very nice to connect with like minded folks or just people that appreciate openness. 💗
Beautiful photos as usual! It looks like some of these are from the recent photo shoot you were nervous about - am I right? They came out amazing.
I can understand the struggle with anxiety. Irrational fear kept me working at a job I hated for nearly a decade. Ironically enough it was an extremely social position, something that was especially draining for me, although empowering in it's own way, I suppose. It's good to know I can function around people when I have to.
Now my wife and I spend most of our time in happy isolation. I'm not sure how much of this is anxiety and how much is just wanting to live this way. But I'm trying not to be too anxious about it!
I love your comment. Thank you. Yes, the last photo is from the professional shoot with Robert Sturman. It has a different quality for sure. The others are from the same time, but just earlier in that day with @sean-king.
I know so well the happiness that comes from spending "most of our time in happy isolation." I delight in periods of that still, but like you say I wonder for myself how much of that is just "wanting to live this way" and being true to the introvert that I am vs hiding and playing small. Just be you and enjoy each day. Hugs
Ahhh!!!!! ＼（＾○＾）人（＾○＾）／I want to sing from the rooftops!!! I LOVED this- makes me want to cry! { I know I always tell you I loved what you wrote} GENIUS!!!!.. Such a montage of aspiration, precision and VISION!!!.. All in one!!!
So poetic xxxx - your words are very moving, especially when reading them I remember back to times where I have suffered anxiety.. it's a very hidden affliction!... it sounds almost ludicrous but I was so overjoyed to discover my fiancé- Lee, also suffered ( by knowing exactly what to do when I was experiencing an attack!)- my distress lost it's power and I was able to 'overcome'. BUT at the same time, I can remember so clearly what it feels like , to the point where I retract that memory as soon as it arrives ( it's so easy to bring yourself back to that awful place of dissidence.
That last photograph.. you look like you are the definition of dominance. All Powerful =)!!
I want to add a few more terms to the list of what you define yourself as.
You are the scribe.
You are the inscription.
You are the narrative .
Kisses 🌹
Thank you my sweet sweet friend. I can't tell you how I love to see your comments. 💗 Anxiety is a hidden affliction. That's the nature of the beast...hiding. But it's also indicative of the cure..simply to reveal .
Your comment on the last paragraph made me chuckle. I usually feel more comfort with the roles of surrender or submission vs dominance. But I am feeing more clearly my connection to The Source... whatever that is. And it is empowering.
Kisses back 🌷
Hihi :] Glad it made you laugh, that's funny xxxx
That's very exciting as it feels like the journey to thr source is flourishing more and more with each post!!
The last two have really taken it to the next level- I am so excited for them , its like a wonderful book of self realization xxx
Edit: Self realization for me too when I read them!!
This is such a beautiful, poetic meditation on wholeness. One of the most difficult yet necessary undertakings toward self-acceptance is communicating with the "Shadow" self. I also struggle with anxiety, but your piece reminded me to connect with what anxiety has taught me without seeing it as an immutable aspect of my identity. Thank you for sharing this.
Thanks so much. Your comment means a lot to me. Agreed embracing the shadow side is what leads to wholeness. No way around it.
It's hard to freely express yourself especially in this part of the country. I'm glad Steemit has given you an outlet to openly discuss you desires, experiences, frustrations, joy and anxiety. I have been very guarded even here to not expose my true identity for fear that a coworker or family member might somehow stumble upon my blog or my wife's.
It sucks that the world is this way and I hope to someday not rely on a corporate job for a living and I can eventually let go of my need for acceptance and my fear of losing something I need because of merely discussing who I am as a person online. I tell myself I don't give a shit about what other people think sometimes and in doing so I'm only lying to myself.
I'm inspired by your acceptance of who you truly are. I'm glad you're finding some peace through sharing on this platform and I hope someday I'll achieve the same level of self acceptance and openness as you have.
Kind regards :) hope you and the Mr. are having a good weekend.
😘
Being able to freely express oneself and not worry about potential outcomes is a terribly rare quality in todays society. I like to say I was born without a filter ;)
Great writing. You have a fan :)
Yay, our fanship is mutual!
It is very rare quality, but it's difficult to tell how much of that rarity is due to Societily imposed vs self imposed, and self protective instincts. My years of self suppression seems mainly self imposed in hindsight.
Could it have been self imposed due to societal influence?
Could be...that's a good question. Still, to me doesn't matter what is to blame but to see through and express truth in the end.
Beautifully, poetically expressed and photographed! You are life itself. :)
Thank you! 🙏🏽
Effort and hard work have made you produce beautiful photos .. I really like the result of your photo work. And during the two months of joining in steemit I have also tried some moves to produce good photos. But I realize that. Maybe you can teach me about some of the shooting techniques you use I am very grateful .. i am waiting for your friend @steemed-open