Doggy

There were a few people gathered around my desk for a walkthrough of some nonsense document. I was about halfway in when a woman from Finance, Skeletor, came over.

Sorry I am late. Hope I haven't missed too much.

Nah, don't worry. I will run through the first part again if you like?

Said I, most kindly. As if she were a bumblebee I was feeding sugar-water to.

Oh thank you, I will be fine though, carry on as you were, hehehe.

She giggled as if I had blown some powdered Rhino horn up her back snarler with a straw.

I whipped back round to my screen and took a breath to speak.

How is that young lad of yours getting on? He must be nearly one now?

I preened like a typical, sleep-addled, stained-clothes-wearing, Dad of a toddler.

Yes indeed, he is one at the weekend. We are having a little party for him.

Skeletor clucked her cheeks as if what eggs she had left were vibrating inside her.

Oh that's lovely, are you getting him lots of toys?

I smiled, despite her sabotaging my walkthrough I quite liked talking about my pride and joy that was the little boom.

Well, not too many toys. He's walking now and he only ever plays with a couple of toys. One of them is his total favourite, Doggy Woggy.

Skeletor skreeked and swung her head back and forth as if she was being pursued by hunters again.

You can't say that!

She hissed. Her chins were jubbling now.

I made a chicken eating ham face.

Can't say what? Doggy?

No. Not Doggy... The other word... Jeez, anyone could hear you. You will be whipped up in front of HR and shot.

I racked my brains. I had no idea what she was talking about. I wondered if she had gotten hold of some cider again?

Doggy... Woggy?

She twitched violently upright and made a small skirk noise.

BoomDawg, stop it. If anyone hears you, you will be for the high jump. You can't say things like that, haven't you read the Equality & Diversity handbook?

Of course, I had read the thing. I still had no idea what she was talking about. Somehow my confusion must have been percolating through to my face because she leaned into me and whispered.

You can't say that second word!

Woggy? It's not a separate word, it's one of those nonsense things you say to babies. You know, like Ratty Watty, Horsey Worsey... Doggy Wo...

She thrust a big wet hand against my mouth.

No!

Her eyes darted back and forth as if at any moment a bunch of men were going to abseil through the windows and menace her with their weapons.

She stood up.

Listen, I will get a copy of the presentation later.

She pointed a sausagey finger straight at me.

You. Watch yourself.

She walked off muttering about HR and Respect at work.

I shook my head. Doggy Woggy seemed to have caused a bit of a stir. I am kinda glad I didn't mention his toy cat, Chairman Miaow...