Down At Haggle Rock

The beer shop was quiet.

Too quiet.

In fact, it was completely deserted when I pushed open its door and stepped into its dark and curious smelling innards.

Hello?

I called out hesitantly.

Nothing. Nada. Not a Kapinski.

Oh well. Maybe I could just browse the beers and there would still be no-one there to pay when I took them to the till. That would be a bonus.

I started having a swatch at the beers on offer. There were many new ones. Fruity ones, dark ones, freaky-looking ones. I was quite taken with one in particular which had a giant skull on the bottle.

I reached a hand out for it.

YAAARK!

I leapt three feet into the air and whirled as a beefy hand clapped down on my shoulder.

Ey op lad. Owzee?

I glared at the Bear Man, proprietor of the Beer Shop.

Fuck sake, you gave me the fright of my life. I totally shat myself.

Said I, trying to bring my voice down to a more manly tone.

Ah was int back.

Said the Bear Man remarkably clearly. I felt that after all this time, I was beginning to understand his thick and coarse way of mangling the English language.

Aye, well. Very good.

I said sternly. Somewhat schoolmasterly actually. I was a bit miffed that I had jumped so high and made such a five-year-old- girl shriek when he had gladhanded me.

Ah, gots yehs ah cracka.

Intoned the Bear Man, rubbing his big meaty hands together.

What would that be then?

I asked, giving him a flat stare as if he had asked me to play Ludo.

The Bear Man hurried over to the till and then came back cradling a bottle of beer in his strangler's hands as if it were a baby or a very fat penis.

Is is it. Issa cracka. I tells ye. But...

I narrowed an eye. He said But - I didn't like buts. At least, not in the context of big giant hairy men looming over me with Cumberland sausage fingers.

But what?

I said.

I made sure that the tone of my voice brooked no nonsense so that he didn't get any fancy ideas of dragging me round the back and christening me Belinda with his special brine.

The Bear Man turned the bottle so I could see the back label.

Soutta date.

I noticed that indeed it was out of date. That was fine though, that kind of thing never bothered me. It was only the end of last month. It would be fine for months yet.

It looked like an excellent beer. An Imperial Stout aged in Whisky barrels. Yum.

How much is it?

Normally these beers were quite expensive.

The Bear Man made a humming then an ah'ing noise. As if he were trying to attract a queen bee to nest in his big beard.

Well, soutta date. Normally it's 13 pounds. Give yer it, for 10.

I looked at him with a small smile. I could feel my haggle rising.

10? Are you mental? It's out of date.

The Bear Man took a step back as if contemplating smashing it over my head for sheer pleasure.

It's less than two weeks outta date!

He exclaimed.

Aye, Very good. I will give you 4 quid for it.

Said I, like I was back in India and that weird guy with the gammy eye was trying to sell me some carved wooden tat again.

FOUR!?!? IT'S WORTH THIRTEEN!??!

Bellowed the Bear Man.

Nah, it's outta date.

Said I, turning my handsome back to him.

Eh? You not wanting it then?

Came the puzzled voice from behind me.

The thing was though. I did want it. I wanted it very much. But I also wanted victory. My haggle muscle would settle for nothing less.

Alright then, you win. I will give you a fiver for it, nothing more.

Hmmph. No way. No way Ho-say.

The Bear Man clumped back on his giant feet to the till and glowered at me.

I chose a few beers that tickled my fancy and made my way to the till. A half smile on my face. I plumped my beers down.

He totted them up on the till, still glowering.

I looked at his out of date Whisky aged Imperial Stout.

Last chance, You want a fiver for it? 'Soutta date' remember.

He stared at me as if he was on the vinegar stroke in the toilet and his wife was calling his name as she came up the stairs.

Aye, fucking take it then.

Hurrah!