Lawn Potatoes
It was mid-morning in the office. I felt the bulgy pressure of a thousand coffees weighing heavily on my bladder and got up from my desk to visit the lavatoire.
As I got to the door of the toilet it burst open and a rather flustered El Jefe half fell out. He saw me and quickly straightened up.
You, come in here.
He crooked his finger at me in the direction of the toilets interior.
Bollocks, was this him finally coming for his pound of flesh for that promotion all those months ago? I gritted my teeth and headed in after him.
He stepped through the second interior door and into the toilets proper and I followed.
There. There!! What the hell is that?!
He pointed furiously in front of the sinks where a small but blatantly obvious shit sat, bang in the middle of the floor.
Hmm, this was a tad awkward. It was obviously a shit. Had he really never seen one before?
Erm, it's a shit.
I ventured tentatively, just in case this was some kind of test and I was wrong and it was actually a big piece of half-chewed toffee.
El Jefe gnashed his teeth and growled slightly.
I know it's a fucking shit. What the hell is it doing in the middle of the floor?!
He pointed repeatedly at it, his finger wobbling with outrage.
I made a face as if a cat were licking my fingers after I had played a bit of pork backgammon. Why was he asking me so vehemently? Wait, did he actually think it was me? Did he think I had snuck into the toilets and poo'd on the floor? Was he mad?
It wasn't me?!
I squeaked in a slightly less baritone voice than I would have liked.
I know that.
He sighed exasperatedly.
I felt a moment of peeved. How did he know it wasn't me? Did he think a man of my calibre was incapable of secretly shitting on a toilet floor?
Who would do such a thing?
El Jefe demanded, his voice warbling between many octaves of disgust and distress.
I shook my head.
Fucked if I know. Right enough, people have been pissed off lately...
I said, half thinking out loud.
What? Who? Who? Oh never mind. It's not like you would actually tell me.
Again I felt slightly offended. Did he think a man of my fine standing was above daubing in my workmates? I mean, he would be right but still, I do demand the right to be unpredictable.
This is not on and it's not the first time. It has to stop. How can we stop it? Cameras maybe?
El Jefe mused thoughtfully.
Um, I don't think you can film people in the toilet?
I said.
I mean, I was fairly certain that was the case. When I was taking a picture of my own penis at the urinal the other day for scientific purposes, I did get some funny looks from a fellow pissorian.
El Jefe made a humphing noise.
Have you felt it to see if it's still warm?
I offered helpfully.
El Jefe made a strange whinnying sound.
I'm not touching someone else's shit, whatever the reason.
He stated bluntly.
You mean you touch your own?
I asked, inquisitive to this rare insight into upper management.
The frost in the glare from El Jefe could have stopped global warming.
How can someone do this but not get caught? I mean if you saw it you would tell, wouldn't you?
El Jefe pondered.
Hmm. You never know, you might just be polite and pretend you never saw a thing?
Said I, wondering if my bladder was going to get impatient enough to wrestle its way out of my mouth and go to the urinal on its own.
What? Rubbish. What would you do if you came in and someone was shitting on the floor?!?
Queried El Jefe with ham-faced belligerence.
I would probably pull my keks down and join in.
I replied, deadpan.
El Jefe started at me, his brow so furrowed I was tempted to plant potatoes in it.
Only kidding.
My face cracked into a big smile at El Jefe's indignant look.
Maybe
@meesterboom Hello dear friend. I loved the title to describe the published material.
In the companies where I worked, we were so many people that things like these happened, I could never understand that there were people capable of doing that.
The boss is a character, touch with your finger if it is still hot.
He reminded me of a joke in my province.
Two drunks walking down the street, one tells the other, beware of shit on the floor.
the other answers, no it is not shit and there is a discussion
one asserts that it is shit and the other that does not
to get out of doubt, you touch the shit with your finger and taste it in your mouth
waaaa, you're right if it's shit
the other drunk replied, thank goodness we do not tread.
Thank you very much for the funny spoof dear friend
I wish you a great day
Hahaha. That's a great joke!!! Hehe and it's very true. some people seem very up to all sorts of they think they can get away with it!!
Is this based on a true story? It certainly has the ring of experience to its tone.
This most definitely is. We have a phantom shitter in work. Somehow they manage to poo anywhere but in the toilet itself and none had any idea who it is. I am making him sound like he has superpowers but he is just a filthy swine!
OMG! Swine are filthy? But bacon smells so good :(
It does and tastes so good too. As long as they wash it we are good :0)
Maybe they shit on a piece of newspaper or something behind trapdoor number 1 and then placed it on the floor when the coast was clear. Easier to get away with. But logistics aside, who shits on the floor? (Except kids not yet toilet trained and old people in nursing homes--yay that's something to look forward to.) Gross!
My god, you have a fiendish mind!! I have really been wondering how someone could risk taking a shit on the floor. That methods would work perfectly. It did imply some proper prep and thinking though. That's worrying!!
I had some gross male friends back in the day. Or at least they were. Now they're in their 40s and have kids and mortgages so I expect they have much less time for thinking up these kinds of activities.
They have fiendish minds!! I am still impressed though. That's bloody awesome!
Join in :D Fuck it, let's make it a contest!
What did you eat last night? 1100 calorie curry, 2 of them.
Not playing.
Yeah, this ain't a game you can play if you ain't assured of since dry pellet like fast action goings!!! I would be rubbish at it!
DNA sample. If you want it to stop threaten to send the turd away for DNA tests.When you have your company medical the culprit will be known. Turd dumping will stop immediately. Or ask everyone to swab and tell them afterwards it is to match DNA to the turd. The person will literally do one as they wont expect that. Come on you guys are smarter than that it's easy to stop.
Hehe, we don't have medicals and the Union wouldn't stand for swabbing!! In fact, places here struggle to get mandatory blood tests for drugs and stuff!
The threat might be enough though.I am quite blaise about it right enough. It ain't my problem :0D
Unions are bad news when it comes to meddling. I know it's not your problem, but I would try and catch the bastard. We have breathalyzers and blood tests and can do virtually anything we want.
Ha, that's like oppression! I works be at the forefront of the workers shooting for the management to be burned at the stake!
Although I would like the shitter to stop. At least though, he seems to have moved on from blocking the toilets with lots of toilet roll. It's kind of an improvement
Lol. That is quite funny. You just never know who your work colleagues are.
It's so true. I have my suspicions but am most likely absolutely wrong. For some people it's like a fuck you to the company. I like to think that if you hate a place so much then your should probably leave!
I remember a school boy shat in the headmasters car on the last day of school. He got caught though and received corporal punishment. You could do that in those days.
You could!
I was walking past a parked convertible with the roof down today and I was sore tempted to lob a jobby in it as they say. :OD
I think at one point in time all the cubicles were full and someone had no choice but to abandon their dignity and shit on the floor. I think that was I think happened. HAHAHAHAH!!! Upvoted!
It's a good explanation, I hope I never get that desperate!
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haha! you love to play with upper management don't you sir meesterboom? Isn't that a dangerous game to play? lol.
The trick is to play with the lower levels of upper management and ass kiss the ones above them so that they think you are amazing and you are teflon to the El Jefe's!!
haha! That's quite a strategy sir meesterboom! But apparently it works and you're very good at it!
Ewww, haha, reading the comments...this is a true story?? Someone pops a squat in the middle of the floor?
It's crazy but yes, we have a toilet villain with what seems like balls of steel!!!
Hm, maybe he's bringing it in a container and dumping it in the spot of his choosing?
I think there might be something like that happening. They are quite dry looking!! Yikes!! Premeditation!!!
This is really apropos of nothing @meesterboom, but when I read your first paragraph with 'lavatoire' in I immediately though of the Mitchell and Webb sketch where Monsieur Garnier is in the Labatoire and puts a stop to his scientist from curing cancer so they can get back to what's important: the sheen and lustre of hair.
Hehe. Mitchell and Webb are fantastic!!! None more so in the amazing peep show!!
Yes Peep show was pretty amazing @meesterboom It's now on hulu and have considered a re-watch, just haven't the time as of yet maybe a summer marathon will be in order ;)
It does suit a marathon well. Oh man, I think it was the funniest thing ever!