The Battle Against Postpartum Depression #teammalaysia #tellyourstory2018

This is a hard story for me to write about. As I write about it I know my eyes will fill with tears from guilt.

I became pregnant in 2010. I was expecting a boy, and oh how I was happy. I truly hoped for boy. I gave birth in March 2011 to a healthy baby weighing in at 7lbs 14oz. The 32hr long labour left me weak and tired. I could barely hold him and I could barely stay awake for the people to come see us and congratulate.

This is where my story starts.

My husband, Danny, was with me the first night, the night of giving birth, and some time throughout the day. He then had to leave as his duties of being a father and husband were calling. He had to go to work.

A scary night it was. First time mother, I struggled. I had a hard time breastfeeding, hard time to do everything. I was exhausted and my body dragged along to move any bit that I could. Aade woke up crying. He was stinky, he pooped. I picked him up put him on my bed and got ready to change his diaper. As I took his diaper off, I never thought to put a new one underneath. He wasn't done doing his business. What a mess.
Panic took over, I didnt know how to fix this mess. I had no wipes, just wash clothes. I called for a nurse and no one came. Pressed the call button to get help and got an answer from a different department from the hospital that couldn't help me.

Being tired and not knowing what to do and panic kicking in over this little event... Silly I know. I called Danny, I cried on the phone. Told him I couldn't do this alone, I wasn't ready.

He arrived the next morning. He is a very understanding man with full of heart. We sat there talking about the events I went through over night. I spilled my emotions on him. I cried and I told him, "I am not good enough for this baby. He deserves better than what I can offer him. He is so tiny and so fragile. I couldn't even handle a diaper change properly". That's when it all started.

As the days went on, I felt it was hard to get back to my normal self. I found jokes to be annoying, I didn't laugh at anything anymore and I had a lot of anger. I got angry at things for no reason. Stupid things. I was told it was because I was tired and it takes a long time to recuperate from a pregnancy and giving birth. Well, that lasted a very long time, a very long time.

2 yrs later I got pregnant again and had a little girl, Emma. Giving birth to her was very hard. She weighed 9 lbs and 5oz! I lost weight during that pregnancy. Her face was so chubby. Full of cheeks!

Aaden was such a good big brother to her. He was a proud boy that loved his baby sister! He couldn't wait for us to get home and hold her.

As time went by, the kids got older, they got cuter, but my mood never changed. It got worse. I did my motherly duties but when it came to play time, I couldn't do it.

How many times they asked me to play, I don't know. They begged for my attention and I didn't want to give it to them. That is all they ever wanted. The one person they loved so much to even just look at them and the more they asked the more I got mad. I yelled at them. It scared them.

My husband would get home from work, seeing the house in a mess. I couldn't get myself to any of it. I was tired, I was grumpy. I was unhappy.
He would come see me, kiss me on the cheek but I didn't want it. I was so mean to him. I called him names when he would tell me joke. He is such a silly man. He tried to cheer me up but the more he tried the more I got nasty.
When the night came around and the kids were in bed, I reflected upon myself and cried. Why am I not there for my kids when they need me the most? They cried for me and I wanted nothing to do with them. My husband wanted my time and all I wanted was my time to myself too.

Many days went on like this. I hid from everyone, didn't go outside, didn't want to talk to anyone. I just wanted to be alone. Even my curtains stayed shut. Didn't see much sunlight during those days. I was forgetting everything. Forgot doctors appointments, forgot to pay bills, forgot everything. It was bad.

My husband pleaded me to see someone. He tried telling me that I wasn't ok and I didn't listen. He didn't push me either as we stood on fragile grounds between each other.

One day I got fed up of the way I was being. I hated what I was doing, what I wasn't doing. I decided to get help.
I saw 3 different social worker until I found the right person that I could talk to, that took me seriously. She explained to me that I was going through a postpartum depression. And with our long detailed talks she was able to conclude that it was ongoing for 5 years. Started when I had my first born.

And then I became pregnant with my 3rd child, Frankie. She wasn't planned like the other 2. It was a hard hit. I had bad thoughts. And in the state of mind I had, I really didn't think it wise to have a child at that time. How could I take care of a 3rd child when I wasn't even able to do good by my other 2.
I kept to myself even more. I was in a very dark place. I didn't want to meet with my social worker anymore. I cancelled many appointments. Danny finally noticed and urged me to go to the next one and so I did. She noticed how things got for me. And so she had me see a psychologist and put me on meds before things got worse. I was borderline chronic depressive. I was prescribed Mirtazapine. The side effects: weakness, confusion, dizziness, peripheral edema, weight gain etc says Wikipedia. But it didn't say much about side effects in pregnant women, that it could induce early labour. Not something I wanted to keep taking. I could barely drive taking this.

Time went by and the meds weren't doing the trick. I got more tired. I wasn't able to function, even less than I already was at. Some days were good and some days were really bad.

The one thing that worked for me, only took a week to get better. That's when I was introduced to homeopathics from a good friend @earthmother. My rocky road to recovery became a much smoother one. I needed this to work for me. I wanted to be there for my kids more than anything. But my brain wasn't ok. Everything was a fog, stuck in a nasty web and couldn't get out of its nastiness. I had no control, couldn't shake off the negativity I was causing.

I took these homeopathic remedies. What a wonderful discovery! One week! One week it took to feel more energetic. One week to wake up from this nightmare. It took more time to heal of course. It did a lot more than the medical poison I was given.

Finally out of this postpartum depression and it led to better times, happy times. Happy children.

It has now been 2 years of being clear of that depression. I look back on it today and it still hurts my heart, hurts my soul. I lost of lot of time with my kids, precious time and memories. It is hard to remember a lot of it. A lot of days of pain. Today i can definitely feel that I can slip back into a depression. That is where I have to take care of myself for my kids.
I am so very thankful to have met @earthmother. I don't think I have shown my gratitude towards her enough for what she has done for me. She saved me. She saved us.