ulog #14 - Sharing Your Feelings Isn't Easy
I suppose you may have noticed I haven't posted a ulog for a few days but I've been going through a rough patch with my depression and didn't want to post negativity. Thinking this over I realize that I've been missing the point of ulogs. It's a daily journal with the good, the bad, and the ugly so here I go.
I woke up this morning and wanted to cry because I woke up. There.... I said it. It's out there. Summer has become a bit of hell for me and I need to change it. The time around my birthday is always sad, I miss my parents, my family and my trailer on the lake. This year for some reason it's particularly bad and I feel like I need to do something about it but I don't know what. I feel stuck.
Every payday I watch almost every penny go to pay our bills. Yes I'm thankful we can pay our bills but that leaves nothing for anything else. We can't afford to run a vehicle right now or even go out for coffee and I guess that is getting to me. You don't realize how much money affects your life until you don't have it. No going out to lunch with a friend. In fact, you become the person who isn't included anymore because they "know" you can't afford anything. Then I stop and think, "Wait! Is that just "stinking thinking"?" I don't know, maybe it is.
This morning I can't even face looking outside at the sunshine because I know there is no lake awaiting my paddle. There will not be any adventures today and it's too hot for even a simple walk along the river. Even the river lets me down because of its strong current.
My logical brain says, "If you don't like how things are then change them!" My whiney brain doesn't know how, yet. I know there has to be a solution but my depression is fogging my mind. I know you are thinking, "Well go get a job. Find a way to earn an extra income." and you would be right except that because of my back I can't stand for more than 10 minutes and sitting isn't much better. This is frustrating because I'm not the type of person who likes to be limited. So I keep plugging away on Steem, praying for the price to go up, and working on figuring out a solution.
I read a post last night written about depression by a person who has obviously not dealt with it. I was so angry with their judgemental ideas that I almost wrote a comment but stopped myself. After all everyone is entitled to their opinion it would just be nice if they would educate themselves before spewing garbage into the multiverse.
On that note I'll stop writing this ulog and see if I can figure out a way to turn my day around. I have work to do so I need to shake the fog out of my head and get it done. Someone I respect told me I should share my feelings, which is not really how I roll, so I have done that. The fact that you are reading this tells you I won the fight with myself and clicked on "Post".
My thought for the day:
If you encounter someone who seems bitchy or angry please smile at them. You just never know what is happening in their world. OR they could be fine and just suffer from "resting bitch face". Either way smile, what does it hurt?
On a positive note @shadowspub and I had a successful first edition of our new show, Curation Corner. I was very nervous, as usual, but found that I enjoyed it and am looking forward to doing it again next Tuesday. How bad can it be? @enginewitty will be our next guest and he always makes me laugh which is good for the soul!
Speaking of people making me laugh, the other night I was minding my own business...LOL!... when @snook dm's me, "Are you busy? I need some help with something." Before I knew it I was laughing my face off and on another show! She's tricky that one but always has a way of turning a frown upside down. If you need a good giggle don't miss her new podcast, Pants Are Optional and beware because you may be her next guest. LOL!
Until next time friends...
Hi Artemis.
Can I just say thank you for posting this. Because it does show that 'real life' isn't all peaches and cream and happy smiles. Sometimes it can feel like a struggle and that it's okay to show the 'real us' here- especially in Ulogs. I recon this is another side to what @surpassinggoogle has created with this movement- a way to talk about life as it really is. I'm sending you love and every good vibe I can because I've been (and still am) there - both with the (lack of) money side of things - and if not depression, then a great sense of loss and longing for family.
I loved listening in to both Curation Corner and Creatives Coffee Hour for the first time this week... I can't believe that you were nervous, you sounded so confident and sure! I'm so looking forward to joining you again next week.
All my love,
E xx
You're such a sweetie! Sending some of the love back. I look forward to seeing you again!
Aw thank you! Really enjoyed joining you at the Creative Coffee Hour last night- sorry it was for such a short period. E xxx
Fwiw, depression is not something that comes to mind when I hear your voice on the creatives chat or PYPT. I’m still reminded of the welcome and encouragement in participating that chat awhile ago. I do know what you mean about not wanting to share negativity. We can never share and harvest enough smiles, and it’s even more important to do so when things aren’t going so well.
Anyway, I’ve been meaning to checkout your Ulogs, I really like the concept. But I’m sorry to hear of your current hardships. It makes me sad to hear that you see the sun, but not feel it’s benefits because it reminds you of what you no longer have. When I’m feeling down, that’s been the one go-to I could rely on. Getting outside and enjoying the sunlight. I hope there’s more options for you in the near future, you never know what’s around the corner. My fingers are crossed for you!
Thanks so much. After writing about it and talking with friends and my hubby I feel much better. It's always better to be thankful for what you have...... The sun is coming out again and the clouds are clearing. That's just the way it goes. I look forward to seeing you in chat again.
soooooooooooo are you saying its dangerous to answer my DM's? :D
Sending you so so many hugs and another DM <3
Sometimes? LOL!!! HUGS!
I totally agree with what @linnyplant said in her comment: when you are in PYPT and the Creatives Coffee Hour, you seem nothing but positive and upbeat, so depression is the last thing I would suspect! You (and @shadowspub, too) always seem on such an even-keel and so charming in chat.
Life can definitely throw us curves at times, and sounds like you have your share of them. I am sorry to hear that you are struggling so much now, and do hope that things will improve for you soon. 💖
Thanks @thekittygirl! Depression is a funny thing. All you can really do is to keep talking and positive thinking. Who knew Robin Williams suffered from depression? He was such an amazing person.
I'm sure things will improve. Sometimes it just grabs ahold of you and it's hard to shake but once the clouds clear you realize life isn't so bad.
How I wish I can give you a real hug then give you a big bowl of ice cream to cool you down!!
Thank you for making an effort to post this!!
Love, Rose
Hug received and returned to you! Thanks so much!
Always a pleasure of my.
Hey, We are always doing stuff that doesn't involve money and you're always welcome to hit us up... I can't move very well right now but I could waddle from the bus stop to the splash pad and back LOL