"My overweight husband won't do a diet. Should I let him come back home?"
Excerpt: We all have been there. Our spouse acts in ways that we don't like and we want to change them. Well, forget about it; The only person you can change is you. This is not a dead end situation though because you always have the option to quit and leave. There are implications for each decision and I am discussing them here in answering to the lady's question.
Credit: dailymail
Hi,
I have been married for ten years and our relationship is not well. We argue about many things stemming from one main issue and that is his overweight.
We have discussed it many times and although he has promised to diet he has never managed to go through with it and lose weight. Obviously, his problem affects all aspects of life, starting with raising the kids and ending in the bedroom.
Last Saturday he complained that we have a poor sex life, which we do, and that I am not attracted to him, which I am not. After two hours of talking we decided to take a break for a month to think things over. He was hurt but agreed. Yesterday after he had left home he called me in the evening. I explained to him about the health hazard and told him that I would be willing to do anything and to invest any effort necessary to solve his problem. In return, I said, I would want him to promise to try to lose weight.
He refused. He said that he wasn’t willing to promise anything, that this is the man he is and that he would not be ready to contribute anything to the effort.
Now I don’t know what to do. On the one hand, I love him very much. On the other hand, it’s very difficult for me with his overweight. I have no doubt that if I accept him back now, the same feelings will soon come back even stronger.
What should I do?
Doreen
Doreen,
Basically, there are two alternatives for you to choose from; let’s examine them now.
First, you can leave him. Indeed, you deserve to take care of yourself, to have a healthy relationship and a cooperative spouse. There is no doubt about that and if you leave him you may find a new partner without any weight problems. However, he might have other issues, not necessarily regarding his health, and you might again have to face a severe situation and an uncooperative spouse.
The second option would be to remain with your husband, to fully accept him as he is now.
Many people, out of sheer love for their spouses, think (in error) that they can change them. That they can help them look better, think more wisely and become much more loveable people. This will never happen, however, because the only person that any human being can change is himself. Then, with that change in themselves, they lay down a comfort platform for their spouses to go through a similar change.
You create your own reality for specific reasons to help your spiritual growth. Therefore, ask yourself why you have created a situation in which you needed to fight your loved one for things that are obviously for his own good. How this situation serves you?! Here are some hints:
Your husband has a low self-image. Apparently, since he was a child he has suffered from overweight that has got worse over the years. He observes his reality closely and realizes that nobody loves him, not even his dear wife that vowed to love him for better or for worse. This realization leads him to blame himself which only aggravates the way he mistreats himself. As a counteraction, he rebels against you. He wants to be loved and with what is left of his self-respect he defies you - “love me as I am or don’t love me at all”. Then he waits for your reaction to see if his strategy wins back your love. Both of you know that even if it did, the love that you give him could not be deep and intimate since it was achieved through emotional blackmail. Nevertheless, in his current miserable situation, your husband would be willing to receive any type of love, to whatever extent and in whatever form.
What can you do?
If you decide to remain with him understand that the lesson here is yours. You are learning now, unfortunately the hard way, to unconditionally love and give love. Your husband reflects an aspect of you that finally had the courage to come out to seek recognition and attention. So far you have only rejected that aspect, prevented your love, scolded it for its ugliness and demanded that it changes. Aspects of us, however, are like children who can grow, learn and be altered only in a loving environment.
Practically then, call your husband and apologize for your emotional betrayal. Explain to him that you love him very much, that it was only your love for him that led you to push him to change and that you understand that he will change only if he chooses it for himself. It won’t be easy at first, for you will need to express your love in difficult situations. You will need to find the right balance between unconditionally loving him and not compromising on what you deserve. You both need to heal your relationship, to build trust, mutual sharing, understanding and acceptance. Although it doesn’t need to take a long time, it is only when the platform is ready that your husband will be urged from inside to change!
Another practical measure you can take is using your mental visualization powers. In your mind, in your inner vision, see your husband healthy and balanced. See him getting helathier each day. Hold this new image of him firmly in your mind for as long as you can. Do it with no agenda and with genuine belief that this situation can indeed become a reality. Your expectation of him will be telepphaticaly conveyed to him, he will be encouraged and change will happen. It's like with children. If we believe in them, convey to them the message that they can succedd, they can overcome obstacles at school, then they will! Conversely, a child that is being told you are stupid; nothing will come out of you; faces great difficulties to get out of such a scenario.
I want to stress that between the two options there is no right or wrong! If you decide to go your own way and leave the relationship make sure you do it without guilt or shame and from a perspective of "I deserve". On the other hand, if you decide to stay don't do it with a condition "I will see how it goes and then reevaluate". Do it with commitment!
Good luck!
If you decide to stay with your partner, I think my advice can help.
First, communication is the basis of all your relationship and cornerstone.
Talk a lot, meet again, explain how harmful the overweight can be and that you will accept the commitment to him, whether it is to share new hobbies or activities, with respect, because the decision to change is from him.
Second understanding, IT IS NOT EASY TO GIVE THE FIRST STEP.
It is the most complicated of all, after him there is only evidence and dedication of you.
Third, LOVE. As @nomad-magus says, he has low self-esteem and a very poor self-image, do not make him feel worse, tell him that he is progressing, that he looks good, that he looks handsome, loves him and makes him feel loved.
Avoid situations of stress because anxiety is very bad company.
A hug from a chubby husband who decided to change.
בדיוק, וזה מתחיל מחוסר מודעות של כולם.
מין מחול עצוב של קורבנות ומתעללים.
I just read your post @nomad-magus and I think you gave Mrs. Doreen the best answer. You were able to explain both perspectives of the problem and how to solve it.
In my personal opinion, if she makes the first choice to leave him because of his overweight and his refusal to strive to improve his health, I think it would be good... I don't blame her in fact, because in a relationship they are supposed to shape and improve each other's mistakes, I don't mean change, but at least improve... I understand why she feels that way about her husband not doing anything to improve her overweight and health. In fact, she wants him to do it for his own good, not just to look better, but because his life is at risk. She must be very upset that he is living his present without thinking about the consequences of his overweight.
On the other hand, there is the second option, to accept him as he is (as I swear when I marry him) and understand him. She fell in love with him and accepted him as he was at first.... So why is she arguing with him about this now?
I'll just say that if she decides to choose either of the two options, she'll be fine... It is certainly a difficult decision for her and cannot be judged.
That's all I had to say. Thank you for sharing with us @nomad-magus. Greetings colleague!!
Indeed. Most of the relationships are created on that assumption. However, as the world is changing, and fast, more people realize that they can be engaged in relationships for the sake of fun and creativity. These people do the inner work, grow, change themselves and when they are ready they find their counterpart. This has been my own path in this life-time and this is the standard I am showing the community.
Thank you for the inspiration, mate👍
Thanks @nomad-magus
Today's issue is a very serious one. Many couples are facing with this problem, they are living under the same roof just like hostel mates and not lovers due to one disagreement or the other.
Little things like wanting to change your partner to who you want him or her to be can scatter the whole relationship because everyone want to be loved just the way they are.
While it is indeed possible to change a person, but you have to start by first change yourself first. If you show you love somebody deeply, their is absolute nothing he would not want to do to make you keep loving him. Your husband rejected your move to undergo some change in diet in other to for him loose some weight, because he has been suspecting your love for him for a while, he don't feel loved again, he don't want to commit himself to someone who doesn't care about his reality but only interested in his physic.
You have your choice to make here just like @nomad-magus advices, but if you stick to your husband, I know you can love him again if you allow. Think of his good side, build up the love for him from that angle and let the love radiate to other area of him, understand him for his bad side and be willing to work with him to correct the correctable, if he feels your love again, he will be more than willing to yield to your requests.
To help him loose weight, you can work generally on family diet, take more food that can help his condition as a family, even if you don't enjoy those foods yourself for now, endure it for some time, if he sees you are sacrificing this much just to proof your love for him, he will be willing to help out too.
Thanks @nomad-magus, you are the best of your kind.
Good practical advice!👍
Thank you sir.
Hi David, in my country it's already very late, I would have been asleep several hours ago, but I had the need to read you before going to bed, so I went around and around in my feed until your post arrived.
Every time I read the main problem, I think (even without reading the ending) a possible solution, today I feel very good because everything coincided!
When you love, the physical aspect is left aside, I understand that obesity can be a big health problem, but as women we should always look for the encouragement to encourage our partners to follow (yes, it sounds feminist, but really women have guns to convince) however I want to quote what I like most about the publication...
We are clear that no one can change you, only you and your conviction can make a difference in your life, losing weight is not easy, but I believe that there are tools that are worth trying.
As for this relationship I see with concern that they will come to a non sexual desire, so it is time to take charge of the matter, I believe faithfully in that in love there are no gray, or want or do not want, it is possible that so many things can cloud our sense, but if our partner is almost perfect (there is no perfection, nor in ourselves) is worth the rest! Now I'm going to go to sleep, happy night or day for you, my friend David.
Thanks for bringing the female practical perspective. I always am eager to hear that.👍
Sleep well.
see this story, I am very interested, on the one hand Doreen loved her and on the other side her husband did not want to lose weight.
but in this story, I do not see the honesty of her husband, why he did not want to lose weight? judging from this attitude I agree with your opinion @nomad-magus
But
if the honesty of attitude and mutual open to each other to keep to the utuh of marriage, I do not agree with the answer "leave"
Because keeping the husband-wife relationship in order to stay in harmony becomes important considering many couples complain about the marriage that began to bland. Newly married people can experience it.
Keeping the wholeness of a marriage is not as easy as turning the palms of hands, much of it goes through life.
Indeed.
Ultimately, it's the choice that a person needs to do in life, is their own spiritual growth is more important than their spouse, children and friends.
spiritual beings who are running experience to be human. This means basically, or originally, we are people who understand and people who are connected with God and the Universe. We just forget that we have been spiritual since the beginning of mula.terimakasih @nomad-magus, but unfortunately humans have been overwhelmed, if you do not mind visiting my bloq for my latest writing ,, I am very happy and the next generation of the nation looks forward to the best teacher
It’s sad for her husband not to be willing to put any effort. I think the issue could her husband feels being forced to do this. I think that’s the worst she can do, to force someone do things. She should change her strategy. She should stop talking about it, but in some way show him she is hurt and she cares about his health. If he loves her, he will eventually want to make her happy and he will start putting effort. But your two option answer is right on point. I hope it’s not the “leaving him” option. Man has his pride, it shouldn’t be taken from him and that’s how he feels. He might think as well “don’t force me and I will put an effort”.
It will only make her a victim.
She must also look upon herself she's perfect enough. Even do so, her husband doesn't nag about it. Her husband might be overweight but if she truly loves him then it doesn't matter anymore. Although, it might result to a complications in his health, still, for me its not enough to end it. Maybe her husband also needs an encouragement not a discouragement. Sometimes we forgot to different those two things. So yeah that's just my opinion though. Nice point of view @nomad-magus
The matter is a very critical issue and is very capable of tearing down the relationship into 2. My advice for the woman is this: she should pretend as if she want a divorce automatically. The husband will definitely come back on his kneels begging, then at this very moment, she should tell her husband that she wants him to do som exercise. But if he doesn't come back begging on his knees, then i think you should make the pretence a reality. I know this would solve the problem. Thanks
Manipulations in relationships are a dangerous slippery road. 😏
I’m not married but I’m gonna say this in my opinion. You see I personally hate the idea of a spouse gaining weight, I hate to imagine my spouse gaining weight. Before getting into a relationship with a lady, so many things must be considered, I will consider the size of the belly, any tendency to gain weight and to what extent. With weight gain out of the way, the spouses remanins as attracted to each other even after many years together. I just left a because my ex got uncontrollable fat.
This is some professional advice, only love doctors does say such. Thanks for the advice and motivation. You’re much appreciated
In my opinion and experience, true attraction relies on personal traits at first, then common hobbies and goals, and soul connection, as the couple shares a mystical bond. Physical attributes are important to some extent, indeed, only I would not rely on them for measuring attractiveness.
I totally agree with you, you made some good points. Just in my own point of view, I cherish physical beauty, so I won’t feel irritated by my spouse. Physical attraction to me makes up 40% of my relationship