Moving to hive
Fuck you Justin, we're moving to Hive.
6 years ago in #family by practicalthought (65)
$43.09
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Thank you @familyprotection.
Just happened by and saw this post. Quite touching. I'm deeply grateful for your "mom". Bless her heart. My story was similar in nature. My mother used me as a tool of hate against my father. Ah...but we'll leave it there.
I am attaching a post of mine you probably never read about a foster son of mine. There is a bit in there about CPS. In his families case it turned out good. I really had no choice I had to turn his mother into someone. It was either the police or CPS. So in some emergencies CPS can't be avoided it seems. Here is the linkhttps://steemit.com/newbieresteemday/@mistermercury/my-foster-son-twisted-dark-roots.
These wounds we have as kids don't heal so fast. At least that's what I have experienced. But they serve other purposes: we become more compassionate. We learn a great deal. We can become better people for it. We are compelled to help others. Anyway, its a long list of how the shit of abuse can be the fertilizer of great service to others and ourselves. Blessings.
I just finished reading your post. You mention that there would be a future post. Did you write it yet, and if so can you give me the link? Also, I saw in one of the comments that you mentioned he just got home from work, so I assume he still lives with you? Thank you for caring enough for his welfare to step forward for him.
Yeah, I started teaching him a trade when he was about 14. He is now 28. He lived with a girl friend for about a year, and then with his mom for a while (but she drives him crazy) so he ended up with me. He is more like a house mate I suppose. We get along well and respect each other. He is actually like a son to me though. I'm single and retired so it's nice to have someone else here, and of course he reduces my overhead each month! Now, his younger brother, whom I also fostered, wants to move in. Heck, why not? To tell you the truth it's kind of like the old extended family idea where multiple generations of family live together or on the same farm, etc. I suspect one day I'll be part of his extended family. My own kids? Love them to death but they follow the modern family structure. Off by themselves doing their own lives. I'm fortunate in that we all get along quite well and they all live within an hour or two drive. I'm spoiled.
As far as the next installment to the post: I've hesitated. I had actually written a near-book on what might have happened in Lelands life had I not showed up. But one day got pissy about the quality (I didn't think it was good enough) so trashed it. Regret that now. So, the next installment is all fiction of course, but rather dark. Leland becomes a very dark, perhaps even evil person, in the story. I've decided to put it on the shelf for right now. Perhaps one day.
Just one thing more: When my first son was born we named him the same name that "Leland" has. But after 3 days I knew the name was wrong. So went back to the hospital and had it changed. 2nd son comes along. Same thing. Not "Leland". Then we had 3 girls. Then that was it. Enough kids! But I knew "Leland" was still out there. He showed up about 15 years after my last daughter was born. I knew it was him. Absolutely knew it. But that's another story.
The bottom line: from the terrible wounding at the hands of my mother has come incredible blessings for me and many others. I was quite angry at her for many years, but over time gained perspective and awareness and love for her and the life she had. And, most importantly, am grateful for the role she played in my life.
Many blessings.
It is indeed hard to heal, and I have to credit the turnaround moment for myself was when I found out I was going to be a dad. I new I had to get my anger under control and get my shit together so he wouldn't be doomed to the same crap cycle. I am off to read your post now. Thanks for sharing, and understand why you left it at that. I had debated even writing this, as it touches on not only very personal experiences but raises the question of a solution. Sometimes it is difficult once you begin navigating in that grey area.
Yes my foster son is one of the most angry people I've ever met. He is a volcano ready to erupt. Concerns me just about every day. I was angry too, but stuffed it. Gradually it came out but was then I was pretty much aware of it so avoided hurting anyone.
Awareness is key. I have to imagine that in many ways your guidance has helped him set up the framework for such a thing. The fact he continues to gravitate back to you is a testament to his high esteem for you as a man. I hope one day he will learn to forgive. It is a lifetime process for many, and sometimes easier to let time erode the feelings as new experiences blow over the soul like sand in the desert.
Bless your true mom! She obviously knew what you'd been through to keep reaching out no matter what. Have you ever asked her why she did so even when you made things hard for her?
I touched on these thoughts a little myself a while back in this post: https://steemit.com/familyprotection/@life-relearnt/why-the-cps-needs-to-be-questioned
Obviously there is a need for children to be helped, but a balance is needed to stop things going the wrong way. The whole system is problematic. In a balanced court and investigative system the answer for you would obviously for your father to have custody.
I do think that in smaller communities we have better tools to deal with things like this, because we know each other well enough to make the right decisions. When we no longer all know each other then we try to put systems in place to sort these matters out and invariably they fail, because no one situation is the same. There is no black and white and it's too time consuming to make the effort to find out every family's personal situation, so they throw money at it and take the easiest route.
I haven't. I know why. We bonded while I was still cute and adorable, and coupled with her kind heart she never pushed me away. She has spent her life devoted to helping others. The charity work I mentioned she did that won her woman of the year was all activity she did after putting in her full shift on a manufacturing line. Even now, in her 70's she spends much of her time devoted to charity. She is unlike anyone else I have ever known.
She sounds like one in a million and just what you needed to survive your birth mother.
Yes, she was and continues to be a blessing.
Thank you for posting this, and I admire you for your courage in not letting your sad childhood define your life. Thank you for using the evil to fuel your quest for change. I can imagine a far different path you could have taken.
Thank you. It is a miracle life stepped in offering me the choices it did to lead me out of my hurt and anger.
A very hard read your story... I don't know, some people are not meant to be parents, I guess... or don't deserve to be parents.
As for your question, I have a feeling that in your case, you would have ended up in foster care... Maybe if the CPS did not get incentives to take children into the system, they'd actually be motivated to find the best solution for a child.
It turned out to be harder to write than I thought it was going to be.
Which begs the question of why fathers are not considered more in custody cases.
Yeah, there should not be incentives to take children into the system. But damned if I can figure out where a solution is on this. I see so many horror stories taking place with CPS involvement, had a couple scares myself that luckily resolved quickly when my son was a child. Yet, I can't forget what it was like to be that child and no one would help me. In the name of family rights, is it necessary for a child to be trapped as I was? Or can there be some way a child can be protected without invading homes and privacy?
Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts. My questions have no apparent answers, but hoping a dialogue may help finding a middle ground.
There are indeed two general poles that people vary between, both mothers and father. Not all parents are good, but CPS can get out of control in a lot of minor cases and overreach. I hate the ignorant saying of "mind your own business" because that not how morality and communities are supposed to work. If people were more concerned about morality and community protection of each other, we wouldn't need so much centralized authoritarianism in our lives... :/
Yeah, its a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. In my case it could have all been fixed so easily by someone just caring enough to look at what was going on. But like is pointed out, CPS in many ways exhibits the same behavior my birth mom did. So where do we get the answer in all of this?
Wow mate, you went through some shit.
Breakdown of real communities had done children a big disservice.
(in terms of intervention with abusive parents)
My dad was the gentlest of men, and very quiet.
One thing he could not abide was violence on kids.
I was happening next door to where he used to live (before my time).
He only went around to the house once, and there was never any more violence in that house..
It was a small tight knit community. And this means people know each other.
In this case, this also means they know the people they don't mess with.
self regulation through connections.
I'm glad to see you came out the other side, and even the crappy scars, made you the man you are now.
A beautiful post, mate..
I'm trying to power up, so not upvoting today, sorry...
This is no longer a thing as they have done a good job of getting men out of the home and labeling us all as dangerous toxic beings if we exhibit any signs of our natural state.
Thank you. In some ways my son was a beneficiary of this, although I can still see some of my bad traits I passed onto him. But I made sure he always was protected, and in many ways the sins of the father did not pass onto the son.
I am sorry we even feel this way. While I won't pretend monetary upvotes aren't some super awesome shit, how horrible that not having a value to spare at the moment either keeps us from posting on a thread (what I do) or forces us to apologize if we are compelled to weigh in without a vote. You feel free to weigh in whether you have power or not. Whatever you have, even if it is none at all is exactly the right amount.