@eaglespirit knows I'm so supportive of the #freedomfriday initiative that I'm SO hot off the press with it I write and post when it's still Thursday for most of the world, though it's Friday for me in the Antipodes. I even throw in 1 Steem of Steem Basic Income to support the cause (last week it was @mrprofessor who got that little bonus). And I'm thrilled that @marrianeswest is now on board with her freewrite nudges to the Steemearth to write about freedom on Fridays.

But last week I struggled, and badly. The prompt was PERSONAL POWER.

What did this mean for me? Examining this question was like holding onto sand in a hurricane. Whichever way I looked at it, the answer would not hold for me. It took me all weekend, and reading everyone else's responses, that it finally dawned on me, and though I've already posted today, I felt the need to sit down and write before Friday is too far away and we all get on to the next Freedom pondering.

I loved @eaglespirit's response, because she came at it like I started - my personal power as a woman. She wrote:

Today, women are raised with many different customs and into cultures that place restrictions on our gender. This thought alone may raise an eyebrow since those who are not women have no idea how we have to fight for ourselves and the generations that come after us on the daily. While growing up it was repeatedly put into my mind that I had to find a man to take care of me or that the male gender would always have more than I simply because I was a female. For many years this brainwashing had me trapped into a mindset that I would always be placed in a lower class and placed in a subservant position. My soul literally cried from the oppression.

And oh, I heard that SO loudly. I've been the victim of sexual assault and I've been dismissed or been invisible because of my gender and I have fought for that kind of personal power my whole life, just as my mother very loudly has for most of my life (thanks Mum, you powerful woman you!). Yet when I started this post, I couldn't finish it, because my identity as a woman is in flux, especially as I get older and I'm losing the sexual potency of youth in the eyes of society. My power there is dwindling, but at a time where it matters less to me because I feel comfortable with my womanness and don't need to prove anything, and will likely not have to assert myself in any circles of power that use gender as a basis for discrimination. I am powerful in my relationships - the close ones that really matter to me most, and that's enough for me, though of course I'll always go into bat for woman when called upon and will speak up on that account every single time.

Struggling with a thumbnail picture for this post, I found an old one in a moment of feeling free - yeah, that'll do. Why the rainbows? Because I can't find the unrainbowed copy.

---

Then I read @metametheus's response, which got me thinking too - the power that comes from being in touch with the world around us and moving unrestricted and unencumbered is powerful indeed and brings us into a state of flow where positive experiences happen:

I've come to understand my personal power is present when it's not in fact 'personal', but when I'm in a state where something larger than me permeates my consciousness and courses through every cell that connects me to the Tao, or the Universe-at-large. With this realisation, I was able to identify moments where I've experienced this state palpably and lucidly. It's akin to something spiritual or mystical, but feels a lot more plain and everyday than what those words imply. In those moments, challenges seem more like something to simply step over, requiring not much energy to deal with. Adapting to life's everyday changes is effortless; work and chores flow, and I'm better able to manage multiple tasks, get them done, and do them well. It's as if there is no friction in the air as I walk, and every step has a spring in it. I feel light, nimble and agile physically and mentally. Basically, everything feels effortless.

To me it's a state of grace, of is-ness - and yet in those moments, 'personal' and 'power' fail to work for me as they seem constructed concepts that are limiting in their socially constructed ideologies. And so, the sand kept slipping through my fingers as to what 'personal power' was to me.

The more I thought about it, the more self doubt I felt, and the more I worried all I was going to do was lament about how little power I felt I had. And it's been a tough week for me - the IPCC Climate Change report has made me feel utterly powerless, though I long for the power to change things, and all the little desperate grabs I have made to try to exercise some kind of power have seemed futile.

I then went through the '9 ways to Reclaim Your Personal Power' in the oft quoted 'Psychology Today' and at first was pleasantly thrilled - yes, yes and yes. Don't waste energy complaining, accept responsibility for how I feel, establish boundaries, practice forgiveness

I so had this! I was going to write about what I'd learnt here in my time whirling around this mortal coil. The louder you complain, the bigger you make your reality. Where attention goes, energy flows and all of that. I'd rather think about how to change it than to just wear those grooves into my own brain. My attitude is up to me. Yup, yup and yup. Years of meditation has made me realise it's my reactions to things not the outside world that has the power to make me attach to particular emotions. I'm working on that super power every day. I have power over how I feel, even when I think I don't. I've been there into the darkness where ALL the boundaries were not only trampled but burnt and stomped and wrung out. But I've got to the place now I realise that I'm in control of my time and space. And damn, forgive yourself for everything, and everyone else for everything, because holding grudges only hurts me, and takes away my power. Let go, let go, let go. And live true! Yeah! Live according to my own dhamma, my core beliefs, to live a life that is important me.

So I had this personal power thing sorted, and I was gonna write - and then.... the self doubt crept in.

And step 8 and 9 of the self help guide for personal power just threw me, even though I knew it shouldn't, because all the other steps were nailed.

Step 8: Make Your Self Worth Independent of Other People's Opinions

Oh oh. And this of course was tied to Step 6, which was giving me the shits by now because I HATE BULLET POINTED NEAT SELF HELP GUIDES - 'don't waste time on unproductive thoughts'. And here I was on Thursday, desperate to write a #freedomfriday post, and I'm having a self worth quandary, and unproductive thoughts about how what I had to say was probably not worth much, and that I'd be judged for it. People would see through me and realise I was a fake. That I'd be found out, somehow. Oh honey, oh, @riverflows, what the hell were you doing that AGAIN for? Number nine followed: 'Be willing to stand out from the crowd' - and I hated that feeling that rose up within me, that I had to 'blend in with those around me' because that was EASIER than self doubt or being criticised or ostracised for speaking my truth.

Reading the other #freedomfriday posts this Sunday made me see everything very clearly. If I was going to disguise who I really was, then I had no personal power at all. @immaroja's post said this:

In a world where it's not what you know, but who you know, one needs to stand firm in their belief of doing what is right, what is the truth and trusting own capabilities, skills and decisions. Know your VALUE.

Yes! If I was sticking to my values, and doing what was right, then how could I doubt that? How could I not trust that? How could I not feel confident in myself for what I had to say? As @rensoul17 advises in their response, I had to 'call in' my 'scattered energies and call back' my 'personal power.'. @metametheus would agree - he concluded that he had to be 'the best version of myself as possible' - and for me, hiding in self doubt being too afraid to show myself was just taking away any kind of personal power I might have.

And it was these beautiful souls that I found a modicum of my power again this weekend, clicking the mike on Discord to do something I'd been too scared to do ever since I've been on Steemit - speak online, have people hear me and perhaps see a little bit of me. If you're interested, you can find the radio show here - yep, the radio show I refused to be on, but somehow found the courage to speak anyway. The ground didn't swallow me up - in fact, I felt light, and free. I love @trucklife-family's lines in her poem this #freedomfriday which captured something of how I felt:

It is who
I am meant to be,
it is,
the real me,
no imitations,
no limitations,
the real and raw me!

I was just being me, and that was a good thing. Like @immarojas said, you gotta wear it like a cape. It does give you a super power. I may have different views, or a particular 'me' ness that not everyone will identify with, but that's okay - I'm just being the best me I can be.

This morning, coming off the radio chat high, I felt like I was flying. I had my mojo on, was in perfect flow, was one with everything that was.

I had my personal power back again, for a few moments at least.

To all those I tagged in this post, I want to express my gratitude for allowing me to fly my cape and sprinkling a little love dust on it for it to raise me just that little bit higher. You are totally awesome and I love you for being part of my life, and being part of the tribes I'm in.

If you'd like to come and chat on @naturalmedicine's new live chat show, please do come and check it out! Be so pleased to have you in the chat with us!

I can't guarantee I'll have my power cape on next Sunday, but I'm going to keep it well aired and laundered anyway, and keep it just within reach, because there's so much to be gained from wearing it.

---

---