Mental Illness - A Blessing and a Curse
When it all gets too much, sometimes you have to take a step back and re-evaluate what is important in life.
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Recently I have been struggling with an overwhelming urge to 'start a fresh'. This is something I have battled with for years.
When I was younger, I didn't recognise this as a pattern and it was driving the direction of my life. That is until one day, someone said to me 'I never know who you are going to reinvent yourself into, from one day to the next!'
This was actually a bitchy comment that was meant to hurt me, but what she didn't realise was that she was actually providing valuable insight into my own persona that I hadn't previously been able to see.
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I have always been a driven person, succeeding in the majority of things that I set my mind to, however once I reach a pivotal moment in either my career or my life, I tend to self sabotage, run away and start something new.
Since becoming aware of this pattern, I have been able to pretty much stay on course, however the 'itch' is back. I feel that something major has to change in my life and I don't know what or why, but I have this sense that everything will be much better if I 'change'.
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Am I happy with my life? Yes. I have my family, my dogs, our home, we are financially stable (not rich, but we are comfortable). I am healthy. So what is it I want to change? I have no idea!
This urge is something of an old friend and I see it for what it is now, an unstable mind. I have been on anti depressants for years which held all of this at bay. However, a few months ago I had to stop the meds as I was experiencing debilitating side effects and the tablets I have been swapped to have made me gain a stone in weight so I have also stopped taking those.
There is currently an 8 week wait to see a doctor so I cannot simply move onto a new medicine. So I have a battle on my hands between my logical mind and my mental health.
As I mentioned earlier, this issue drove the direction and decisions in the earlier portion of my life and I have seen and had a great deal of fantastic experiences as a result, which is amazing, but now I have responsibilities. My son, my husband, our dogs all need me to remain stable and consistent.
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So now I have to write down my thoughts to remain accountable and remember what I have to be grateful for. If I change, I could lose it all.
Unstable mental health can be a curse but it can also open up opportunities and being aware of this fact can tear you in two. Some of the most creative minds have suffered with some form of mental illness. It can be a blessing and a curse combined.
If you too are struggling with any form of mental illness, just take a step back, try to look at things objectively and know that you can do this. I believe in you...
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Thank you for stopping by.
Much love, Cheryl xx
BTS address: bb-bulldogs
Hi cheryl WoW that was personal and it Sucks that waiting for a doctors appointment should take so long. I dont have advice just admiration for your honesty
Thank you sweetness :) xx
You can pore your hart out here.......
As I was reading this, I could see similar patterns in my life up to now but I always put it down to the fact I enjoy exploring new areas in my life, new adventures and try things out. I have been in a depressive state before and know what it's like but taking medication isn't something I've had to do so I can't offer advice on that.
Having things written out in front me helps with the feeling of things being "out of control" and that works for me. But then I'm also a crazy eccentric head case so there's that haha!
You can always reach out if you need to talk, I'm permanently on Discord as you know :D
Haha Crazy Eccentrics are us! xD
Sometimes I miss the days where I would just do something crazy on a whim like quit my job, sell my car and move to another country! (yes that happened in the space of about a week) lol I don't think I would have been able to stay in one place for the last 15 years if I hadn't been on meds. My mind loves to wander in it's natural state and I am a true believer that life is all about experiences, not 'things'. Who knows where the world I would be if I hadn't have started taking meds. ! I am certain that I wouldn't be in a small mining village in Nottingham lol But I am happy that I have had this time to just 'be'. It is a shame that it was in a drugged up transe for most of it.
Thank you for your support, my partner in crime ;)
Jeez, you put me to shame, I only quit my job, then decided to go travelling but keep the car haha! Yes me too, experiences beats things - I could live anywhere in the world if I just had my music stuff and a laptop with internet. Maybe some clothes but let's not get too greedy now :D
I may be moving "oop nerf" later in the year... going to speak to my company about a role covering the corridor between Liverpool and Grimsby this week, find out a little more about it. I've been told that I wouldn't even have an interview, I could walk straight in! Let's see how that goes, then we can crack more stupid jokes and I can run away from your bullies lol
Ooo watch out for Grimsby, I used to own a house up there and there are some pretty rough areas xD I love that you have so much going on right now, it makes me excited for you! I really hope you manage to keep us all up to date with everything, maybe I can live my wanderers life through your travels haha
It is not easy to put yourself on paper like this and express yourself. It takes courage. I think too many people are just keeping too much stuff inside because they are afraid of what others would think about them. I think we all struggle with the same problem you are having as well and the only way to solve the problem is to start working on it.
Not hiding it and pretending it is not there, but just like you working on it. That is how problems are solved. You don't just put a "carpet" over the stain and pretend the stain is not there. "Stains" are removed by cleaning it. Not covering over it.
You seem to have an amazing family around you, and I am sure with their support you will go through this tough time and overcome it. I think challenges are there to make us grow, and evolve as a person so maybe your "curse" is actually a push to make you grow as a person. At least, that is my humble opinion about it.
Thank you for sharing YOU with us, have an amazing day. :)
Thank you for your kind words :)
Yes, I agree I think we all battle with something or other in our minds but we try and pretend everything is fine. I find that writing things down that are starting to become 'too loud' in my head, gets it out of my mid and calms the storm so to speak. If I don't write it down, the thoughts get louder and louder until I make a rash decision and it may not be the correct decision.
Thank you for stopping by and commenting! :)
Thanks for having the strength to share this with us, sometimes being able to share makes dealing with a challenge easier, so sorry you have to wait so long to see the Dr
I just wanted to write down my thoughts more than anything, otherwise I become obsessed over them and that is never good as rash decisions tend to be made. I used to write journals every night but haven't done that for many years now. I guess Steemit is kind of my interactive journal if you like haha Getting the thoughts down on paper removes them from my head, it is weird I know, but it works for me :) Dr waiting times are terrible in the UK, unless you go private of course, but who can afford that?!
Not weird at all, it works for you and that is what is important :)
Bless your heart! You must take care of yourself!! I know as a mom it is very easy to neglect your own health because you are so busy with everyone else. I am so glad you are sharing, I think that is so important, I think it will help you feel more accountable, you are right! I wish you could get to a dr sooner...that is an awfully long wait. I'll certainly be praying for you @beautifulbullies. Be well my friend.
Thank you, yes I think it is time to start looking a little closer at taking care of myself better!
all I can say, you got this
no one knows you better than yourself, so, taking this time to process and think about it, will be good.
selfishly, I want the change to involve taking more images.
I find pure joy in seeing what you see thru your lens.
I think the photography will be a part of me going forward, no matter what! It has awakened a new passion that I didn't know I had and I am so grateful for everyone that encouraged me in those earlier months ;)
Thank you for your kind words as always
Cheryl x
big, big fan of that passion in you, Cheryl.
Let it live and grow
Sometimes we just need a change in our perception and appreciate what we have. Recently I started a fresh and I feel better but my life is still forming. I admire you honesty, talking about mental health is never easy. Controlling you mind is never easy either. But I like to see life as my movie and when the scene is not right the next one will be better. All the best sending reiki vibes 💯🐒
That is a great way to look at it! Feeling the Reiki, thank you!
It's a perception that has change my life 💯🐒
CBD oil, it works.
Hello Stranger! :D I hope you are well. I have tried CBD oil, it didn't work for me unfortunately :/
hey! sorry it did not work for you ;( i am well! cheers for asking. mental health is a road, build safe, reflection spaces.
I just hope I don't make any stupid decisions before it is under control lol
we always make stupid decisions. that's being human. but do evaluate the good and bad many times. grass not always greener and all that!
Absolutely! Thank you my friend :*
You know your half way there when you are aware of your problems or conditions.
Perhaps digging deeper will figure out what it is that that itch for change is signalling to you.
Wish you all the best - be well and happy!
Thanks for sharing it's kind of an eye opener for me for I always thought making change was a good thing but now I see that it could also be self sabotage.
I think change can be an amazing thing if it is done in a healthy way, but I am also aware now that I am older of my tendency to self sabotage. Self awareness and digging deep is definitely the key to understanding ourselves better :)
Thank you for your kind words!
Are you looking for suggestions or venting? I think writing about it like you are doing here is great. I am not sure about the doctor and meds only you can know what is best for you.
Maybe be with the feeling and it will pass sooner or later. I know this sounds silly. lol But to me it is simpliest.
I think I am just trying to get the itch out if that makes sense? If I don't write about it, it becomes an obsession until something happens, and I am not sure that change is a good thing right now, even though I crave it. When I am medicated, it isn't an issue as the feelings of following impulses really don't affect me, but as I am no longer medicated (for a number of weeks now) I have to find another way to control it. I have found some truly inspirational people here on Steemit and they always keep me grounded, even when I offer up my most craziest of thoughts! I love how we are as a community and never feel alone when I write here.
Thank you so much for being here!
Cheryl xx