I am unemployable
I went to a job interview two days ago. It seemed to be going well. Very well. I was about to get hired when I was asked a question that I didn't know the answer to. This is not just some question. It was a question that anyone applying for this job would have been expected to know, and like most similar knowledge based theory based questions....I had no idea. And so in the end I didn't get the job.
As I walked home I thought not about how I missed this job but about the fact that I am so opposed to faking anything that I can't work any job with any standards. That is not to say that I am not valuable. It just confirms what I've known all along, that there is no metric available to measure or even recognize my value.
Does anyone else feel that way? That you are so damn valuable but that your value is systematically ignored because it is so far outside of the norm?
I could have easily faked an answer at my interview. But the action of doing so was so distasteful to me that I sacrificed an income double what I'm making now and a chance to live in my favorite neighborhood.
I love that I'm able to maintain that level of integrity, but it's put me in difficult situations so many times that I've tried to force myself to lie or fake it. I can't. It feels exactly the same way it would to sacrifice a loved one for a stack of cash.
Not only am unemployable, the idea of promoting myself in any complex fashion is so distasteful for me that I feel drained as soon as I thinking about it. And so I have repeatedly lost opportunities.
If I'm being honest with myself, none of those opportunities were really exactly what I wanted, and could have even been less pleasing than my situation right now. But where are those good opportunities?
The answer is simple, they don't exist...yet.
I need to make them out of nothing. It seems like a huge task and so I've been running in circles most of my life.
As I was walking and talking to @vincentnijman, who helped me stay above water when I wanted to drown myself, I realized there is one approach i haven't tried that is the opposite of faking it.
What if I try to maintain RADICAL honesty. Not just "Hey I don't know the answer to this question that I'm supposed to know". What if I let everyone around me know that I'm spiritual and I'm an anarchist? That would include my current boss, students, potential students, friends of friends who really don't get it, neighbors, and anyone who tries to give me typical advice?
What if I really stop caring what anyone thinks of me, not just inside, but to the point where I stop fearing how it will effect my life? What if I tell people openly about my controversial views even if it puts me in such a vulernable place that it could ruin my life?
I know it sounds crazy, but what choice do i have? It's cruising along with 0 savings and not much freedom, faking it and forcing myself back into 0 freedom in order to gain resources which seems to be far more painful for me than it is for others, or risking it all for everything.
I already tell all of my students about my belief and experience in Chinese medicine and meditation. I've mentioned to 3 or 4 of them that I dabble in Bitcoin and have joined protests, and I even told one of them that I was homeless and don't believe in marraige or an education system. Why don't I just stop hiding all of it from any of them who seem curious about me? Why don't I promote myself in a way that makes clear my disdain for promotion, without being derrogatory or obnoxious?
These beliefs and others (particularly my stance on substances which are essentially seen as evil here) are sure to upset some people and could very easily cost my Visa or worse. But I made it this far on faith in myself and in humanity, why not keep pushing the boundary. Isn't that what artists are supposed to do?
I have love in my heart, I trust that enough people will see that and not attack my vulnerabilities just because we disagree, and k trust that if by chance a problem does arise because of my controversial views, there will be enough people to back me up to assure that everything ends up ok.
I love the you-ness and overall spirit oozing from this post! I just had to comment on it.
I have been doing lots of talking with @yangyanye lately and I am trying to get the two of you hooked up because I see so many parallels.
Let me share some exciting news with you... I might actually go to Steemfest ( with this guy ). It would be awesome, if you could make it too. And, if you feel like it and @yangyanje is up for it, why don't you come and hang out with us in India too? We have so many exciting ideas for the future
P.S. It's a pleasure and one of my main missions in life to keep you from drowning. You not being here / around would be a huge miss. We're only at the start of unlocking (y)our potential
Stay strong! :>)
If I can come up with an extra $2000 usd by that time I might be able to take an extra week off work. I still need to come up with an extra $2000 for steemfest though cause I have no paid holiday and I still have to pay for rent and plane tix. I really want to go though. So I guess I gotta make this happen!
I know youve got my back and it makes everything a lot easier just knowing that. I need to get familiar with your friend!
It‘s all gonna work out. In the mean time, keep enjoying the contrast as much as you can :>)
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Never forget that it's always easier uncover a liar than a lame.
So, you do not owe allegiance to anyone in this world but to yourself. :)
However, it doesn't mean you need to go around yelling through a megaphone what your beliefs, stance & convictions are unless someone ask you first. ;p
words of wisdom as always. I don't advertise my beliefs, but i find that I often have to hide them if I want to avoid debates....But I suppose I could just ignore people once they start the debates
Oh no! never ignore or avoid debates. Especially once they are started.
There is never a best chance to learn & teach something new and enriching than when we are deeply wrapped in well heated debates.
Debates with ourselves or with someone else are the sauce, spice and the authentic condiments of life. };)
I don't know if it's healthy to view your life as a thing you can sacrifice, in the name of art or honesty or anything else. Your life doesn't solely belong to you, the pieces of yourself that you give to your loved ones ties you together. If you hurt yourself, you also hurt them.
The most optimal way to 'play the game' is to stay in the game as long as you can manage. The longer you are in, the more time and opportunity you have to improve. Sometimes movies and books tell us that honesty or good intentions will open the world to us, and in certain situations they have a point.
And other times you have to make a judgement call. You could have answered that question by not being dishonest, but not in a way that would disqualify you from consideration. And if you go home and research the question and figure out the answer, wouldn't that have been a better way?
I did exactly that. But it would require a lot of research and I have other things I'm interested in.
I am not sacrificing my life for anything. I am merely living it in a way that feels right. Believing that your life doesn't belong to you and that you owe something to other people sound more like sacrificing your life. Of course I care about others though!
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Sigh... the problem of our times.
First came the great generation, and they did great things.
And then came the boomer generations, and they filled up middle management.
But, they didn't get to middle management by being good at managing, or being good at what the people below them did. Nah, they got there by gold bricking and shifting the blame.
So, when you go to look for work at a corporation with lots of these people, you will find the bullshit runs deep, and that they have no clue what a good person looks like, or even how to test someone's skills.
There are people who can see the skills and goodness in people. And they are usually entrepreneurs. Gotta find them and get some of their time to introduce yourself.
You always bring it home!!! I hadn't considered that this level of bullshit was a relatively new thing that is mainly a product of my parents generation. There was surely bullshit before but it was much more raw and simplistic, due to plain and direct selfishness and greed and not so systematic in nature.
Thanks for reminding me
It's okay, you're not the only one :) I remember being back at uni and after a break and switching course I decided I would attempt to reduce the financial burden on my parents by completely deferring the uni fees and getting a part time job (my parents paid my initial course upfront and were fully supporting me, paying my rent and sending money for bills and groceries so I could concentrate on studying). One of those things was easy (tick a box on the enrolment form). I'm pretty sure I got to the interview stage in over 80% of the jobs I applied for. I failed 100% of the interviews.
Literally every job I've ever gotten was handed to me (someone I knew or someone my parents knew needed something done and I could do that something, they were always short term which was perfectly fine for me but wreaked some havoc with the social security system that to this day apparently doesn't know how to deal with anything that isn't predictable and regular) or was a client from our business (and now that I've stopped said business I'm back to being a worthless unemployed bum XD).
I just can't "promote" myself x_x
And I so felt that!
Everything will eventually be okayish even if they suck right now and I always think it's better to keep going and keep trying because that's one less thing to regret when you're dying :)
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