I have always been somewhat of a square peg in a round hole.

I never fitted in. Not as a young kid, not as an adolescent, not as a teen and in many respects, still now – as an adult. I am 38 tomorrow and to be quite honest, I still feel like a kid… completely bloody clueless!!!! Except now, I am a clueless kid – with a kid of their own - that is starting to see their own strength, capability and worth.

I have suffered from mild depression my entire life… or have I?

To be honest, I don’t know if what I have “lived” growing up was depression or just lack of self-belief and insecurity… but whichever way the pendulum swings, there is one thing I do know… I have repeatedly managed to ”swing” myself through it all. Not to say there were not people there to support me, but rather that I generally tend to internalise my pain to a large degree and have very seldom expressed my GREATEST struggles… that is of course, until the last couple of years.

Everything within me changed in the last couple of years. My tireless enthusiasm became tired. My endless ability for absorption became completely saturated – I was tired, drained, depleted and frankly… completely desperate!!!! I cannot count how many times I have thought about how to kill myself… no really – it was that many!!!

This is going to sound enormously selfish and disrespectful to all the other people in my life that afford me their love, but I am being completely transparent here. The ONLY thing that has TRULY stopped me from doing that over the last few years is my son Jude. No matter WHAT I am going through – or have been through… he did NOT ask to be here! He is the greatest love of my life, and there would and could be nothing more selfish than leaving him without a mother… despite how much he may loathe me some days haha!

I know that I still have a LOT to learn in this life, and I am eternally grateful for my 8 year old guide. He is not tainted like I am and he is my greatest test and teacher.

This post was sparked, through a share from @dunstuff on my #trackoftheday post the other day, which I gave 1st prize and if you are interested you can listen to it HERE. It also spoke strongly to me right now in my life because we have just finished watching the second season of 13 Reasons Why - a series which, if you have not watched yet, I would HIGHLY recommend - ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAVE KIDS… NO MATTER THEIR AGE! It is probably one of the most “real” series I have ever watched… and a SERIOUS eye opener to the realities of life in our society today… not only for kids and teens, but for adults as well.

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Many people, walk around with blinkers or rose tinted glasses on a lot of the time… either completely oblivious to what is ACTUALLY going on around them, or… they don’t actually want to acknowledge it and have to DEAL with it!

This particular series spoke to me on SO many levels. There were a myriad of ways in which I could identify with all the stuff the characters were faced with…. And I was a teen in the 1990’s. I shudder to think what the teens are subjected to these days.

I have learnt time and time again that we are built differently - Each completely beautiful and 100% unique. There are many things I am not at all capable of. I have plenty a weakness – and will openly admit these. I SUCK at math, I am useless with geography and direction. I hate history (it literally bores me to death), I cannot follow illustrated directions, I forget sequential numbers in like 0.0000001 second. I am insecure beyond the belief of many that know me well and I have many days when I simply do not even want to get out of bed.

However, having said all of the above – for whatever reason… a few of the things I was gifted with were resilience, determination and an almost ”bull like” intensity. These attributes to my character have pretty much sailed my ship my entire life. The things I am passionate about… I am VERY passionate about – and I give them my ALL! They may not be conventional passions and many will probably NEVER understand them, but they are mine and they are there for ME to understand…

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But my point for raising this, was that I have realised that much like I have plenty of weaknesses, there are many others that do not have the resilience which I do… and I see this often in daily life. People try something for a little bit, it doesn’t pan out the way they had anticipated and they give up - This being applicable in MANY of life’s facets and this is precisely the reason why we all need to learn how to be more attentive to those around us.

Don’t be SO consumed with your own world that you miss the signals that something is wrong given to you (no matter how discreet) by those that you care about – be it family, friends, kids, colleagues – whoever! We may not always understand the hurts, pains and stresses of another – but that does not render them irrelevant! And the fact of the matter is, if that person truly matters to you – you will MAKE the time, you will listen and you will give of yourself to help them.

Life is fleeting people…. EVERYTHING can change in a second and there may come a time when you will crave support or understanding. Don’t let that be your driving force for giving it… that should be born naturally, but DO let that statement offer perspective if nothing else.

I said it recently and I will say it again…. ”I can think of 100 reasons why parents of kids today would & could learn 1000 valuable lessons, from watching 13 reasons why.”

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Until next time...
Much Love from Cape Town, South Africa xxx

FOUNDER OF THE @STEEMITBLOGGERS

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oh... and have you met my little man? @judethedude