Have you seen my teeth? - Comedy open mic #36

Man it's hard being me sometimes! It's not funny, I'm serious, it Really is hard. I mean… being an awesome son, a fantastic brother, a super-hero dad, a mischievous grandad, an aspiring #comedyopenmic author, aannnd a perfect husband really can be stressful.

Don't get me wrong, I love being me and I do my very best at it. Sometimes though, things just don't go quite how I anticipated.

(google images)

Take the other day for example. There l was in full blown 'Perfect Husband' mode, vacuuming the bedroom. I was hard at it for what must of been about 3 minutes when Henry, the vacuum cleaner, stops without warning. Henry is a few years old now. He took over from Hetty. He gets exercise most days, and I thought, ah! I'll fix that then! I fetched a screwdriver and in no time at all, Henry was in bits all over the bedroom floor.

Just as I started inspecting the motor, Wifey walks in. "What you doing?" she asks. "Henry stopped working, I'm trying to see what's wrong.." I replied. With that wifey says "Did you check the fuse?".

I paused briefly thinking, - Damn! Why didn't I think of that?! Then, fighting to hold on to 'Perfect Husband' mode, and trying to sound somewhat technical, I replied "Yes dear… umm, I think the motor brushes have worn out… or it might just be a dodgy connection", and gave the motor a poke with the screwdriver.

Wifey left the room. I'm guessing, but I think I got away with that. I put Henry back together, changed the fuse, and finished vacuuming. Whether or not 'Perfect Husband' status remained intact, I have no clue. Personally, I think I deserve bonus points for enthusiasm.

Or another time

It was morning… I woke up - that was awesome. Not that I didn't expect to, but you never really know for sure until it happens.

Actually no, I'm not gonna lie, I was woken up. It was wifey poking my ribs - "Oi" - She likes to call me that sometimes. - Then came an other poke followed by "Oi… Jas" - My reply was of course a typical man reply - "uuha!"

Next came the question - "Jas… have you seen my teeth?"

Now because I'm partially deaf, I wasn't too sure if I heard what I thought I'd heard. So I repeated my responce, but with a little more effort - "uuhaye!".

Again wifey said…

"Have you seen my teeth?… I can't find them!"

It was louder that time, and yes, it confirmed that I did hear what I thought I heard. Much to wifey's disgust, I let out a little giggle.

"It's not funny!!!"

She insisted.

Apparently, wifey's husband can sometimes be a bit of an insensitive ass. So as I turned to face her, I carefully reshaped my face from the impending grin that was trying to form, in to what I imagined to be a 'concerned' expression.

Where did you have them last? I asked.

For those that may have not click on yet, we are of course talking about wifey's dentures.

(google images)

Wifey: "I had them in my bag, but I remember thinking I should take them out and put them somewhere safe... I've checked all the places I would of put them, and they're not there."

Insensitive ass: "The last time I can think that you had them, was when I went to the dentist."

(Wifey came with me that time, and of course, she has to wear her dentures to the dentist.)

Wifey: "No, tuh! I had them after that!"

Ok I thought, obviously she's put them in that super safe place. You know, the place you put things, the special place, the place that's so safe you can't even remember where it is yourself. Yeah, I bet she put them there!

Having said that though, wifey isn't the absent minded or forgetful type of woman. She's often telling me - "I don't forget anything!" - usually when we're bickering because I may or may not of done something wrong. Yeah… bye bye Perfect husband status.

The Special Place

Right then, that's simple, all I need to do is figure out exactly where her 'Special place' is, then I can find her missing teeth. I'll be in her good books… the teeth finding hero!

After breakfast I set about my task. Finding the special place. Nothing else mattered. I was determined to be Man of the hour! Her Knight in shining armour!

I started in the bedroom. Searching. Looking in the wardrobes, drawers, jewellery boxes, tubs, pots, everywhere and anywhere I thought 'the teeth' might fit. Couldn't find them anywhere.

Shit! Where the hell are they?! I preceded to the bathroom, again searching every nook and cranny.

Nope, not there!

Next up, I entered the living room. There on the sofa was wifey's bag. I looked at it. Thought 'Hmmm!', quickly followed by 'No, I daren't look in there… she's checked in there herself'. I continued around the room, searching for wifey's elusive special place. (Hey, come on, you know what I mean!).

Running out of places to look, I glimpsed wifey's bag again out the corner of my eye. Just sat there on the sofa. I couldn't resist temptation any longer and headed over to take a look inside. I reached out and grasped the bag. Like magic, wifey appeared in the doorway, "What are you doing?" she says. (Yes that is her favourite question to ask me!)

Thinking quick, I put her bag on the floor and shoved my hand down the back of the sofa cushion. "Looking for your teeth" I replied. Poof!… she was gone again. I continued to rummage down the back of the sofa. I found a few things…

A pen
A fork
Some old tissue
A 20 pence coin
Half a chocolate biscuit
Two hair grips
And something I can only imagine use to be part of a Cadbury Cream Egg.

Src

Still no teeth

Sadly, I was running out of ideas. I checked everywhere I could think they might be. I still hadn't found them and it was way too late to clam the title, 'Man of the hour'. It had been at least two hours and counting since my search started.

And…

'Knight in shining armour', ha, who was I kidding! I gave it one last push and poked around in the kitchen a bit. Nope, I failed. Head hanging down and face poised with a sad expression, I went and found wifey to give her the bad news. "Sorry My Gorgeous, I can't find them anywhere!"

Well that was it… I could almost see the temperature of her blood raise a few degrees. Then came the outburst…

"I bet someone took them!"

I didn't want to fuel the fire with a remark like 'Don't be daft!'. I'd never get the knight title that way. So I opted for a more gentle approach and said "But who would want to do that?

"I don't know... someone who wants to wave them around in front of their mates thinking it's funny!"

I stood there for a moment thinking and, to be honest, there are a couple of characters in our family that I wouldn't put it past.

Remember 'The Rebel'

Anyway…

It was three days. That's how long the interrogations lasted. Over the next three days wifey cornered everyone…

*"Have you seen my teeth?, No! Well where are they then. Somebody must of had them! They're not in my bag or anywhere else I would of put them! Are you sure you haven't seen them???… don't lie to me!"

It was the same line of questioning for everyone. Even if they didn't live in our house, she went to theirs. If at any time during the previous week, they had paid us a visit, they were in for it. It didn't matter who you were, wifey didn't care. She started with family, then moved on to friends.

After the three days of intensive interrogations wifey announced, "It looks like I'll have to go back to the dentist and get some more then…. But if I find out who took them…!"

Day Four

That was the day it happened. Again I was woken with the poke in the ribs thing. "Oi… Jas!…" Shit, is it morning already!?! I was enjoying that dream, I thought. "Jas… I found them!" Wifey said.

Ok, so during the wake up process, I'm no genius… "found what?" I replied.

"I found me teeth!" She says.

What happened next was weird. The voice in my head was saying "well I'd given up trying to be the teeth finding hero anyway!", but the voice that came out of my mouth said "That's great dear!… Where were they?" (That was sweet. Why can't I do that more often… I'd get in a lot less trouble.)

Wifey's reply, "They were in my bag!"

I'm saying nothing except… "Huh, that's weird!"

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Nominations:

Hmmm, I've picked on @dandays in me previous entries so this time I'm gonna switch it up and nominate his favourite Steemian @puravidaville.

And for nominee two… @weirdheadaches

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If you'd like to take part and what more info, the rules are HERE

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Thanks for looking

Until next time - Stay safe

Regards and best wishes, Sivehead