Turbulence

Life is transformation. A constant stream of tiny moments, each one building the uncertain future. Like how an endless flow of water eventually created the grand canyon. Small moments, each one with grand consequences.

My life is in flux right now. White water turbulence. I use steemit to express myself through art and music, and it has been amazing, so writing a more personal post feels strange... but getting my thoughts out there might be good for me in some sense.

It feels like I've built myself a prison. Let me try and explain. I have been selling books, records and posters online since 2012. It has afforded me a ton of freedom, the ability to travel and a decent life. I've shipped records and books all across the world. Even sold a book to Shaq once. Road trips to giant sales, crashing in state parks. No worries and very little stress. But all things must come to an end.





Since about this time last year my sales have been trending downward. It seems more people, anyone with a phone really, are in this game now. Fees for shipping have creeped up, my sources have dried out, costs have slowly gone up, the bigger distributors have made their moves.

Yeah, of course nothing ever stays stagnant and adaptation is the number one key in life. Competition has made me work much harder but it feels like I've finally hit the end. I used to find maybe 60 to 80 books a day, hitting up about 9 different places in two different cities. Today I found 1. The main issue that is stressing me out is debt. Because of stagnant sales, I did not have the money to pay my taxes for 2017, so I took out a business loan simply to play catch up.

About a month after I took out this loan I was involved in a car wreck.





A lady ran a red light and into the middle of my car. It fucked me up. I remember the books flying everywhere, my car spinning, not rolling luckily, hitting other cars and eventually crashing into a pole. Wondering what the fuck just happened. It was all a blur, I've been in a ton of accidents and this numbing daze flows over me.

I talked to the police, told them what happened. There was a ton of witnesses and a few hours later I had the remains of my car towed to a friend's body shop.

This was my only car and I drove everyday for my work. So I was fucked. The next few weeks was back and forth phone calls with my insurance, with her insurance, with the body shop. They decided that my car was a "total loss". They gave me about $5,000. It pretty much paid what I still owed on the car, but of course I needed a new one.





A month later I found an awesome deal on a toyota corolla, end of year sales and everything. More Debt. In the span of a month and a half I had business loans, car accidents, new car debt and tax bills and declining sales. The universe is a comedy haha. In an awesome way, having no car helped me get better at music making. I've created a ton of songs at the same time. The movements of the universe always have their counter movements.

In these last 6 months my sales have stabilized at about a fourth of where I need them to be. I drive way too much and easily get anxious about people crashing into me. I recently moved in with roommates for cheaper rent. Cryptos are essentially dead (just kidding) haha, I'm quickly running out of savings. But ultimately it's ok.

I learned a long time ago, the universe doesn't really give a fuck about you, but there are always golden paths out of anything.

Hope you enjoyed my art and words :)

Infinite Lovewaves