There Is Always Hope!
Greetings Steemian's,
A couple of years ago I tried to commit suicide with a shotgun I was too inebriated to load.
Pixabay
I woke on the floor, shells everywhere, all different sizes, the correct size shells were strewn, but blackout inhibited me from carrying it through.
I would have succeeded if not for the blackout. This was not a "cry for help" or a form of release, this was my opportunity to end the hell I had been going through for 10 years.
Addiction had landed me under bridges perpetually, and contributed to situations which ultimately led me to a prison sentence.
The suicide attempt was after prison, and was the 4th relapse I had went through since release.
The desire to quit was strong within me, but the ability to accept my reality and what had been done to me was too much to bear during this time, and what I attribute to perpetual relapse of a person who genuinely wanted to get clean.
So what did it do for futuremind? The experience that is?
When I woke to see the shells everywhere, and the shotgun at my feet, my first cognition was of my two children. The idea that their only memory of me would be a tale told of a man who killed himself because he couldn't cope. This was the moment when my perception changed completely and I was able to achieve sobriety, to this day.
4 trips to rehab didn't help. In fact I honestly feel rehab is built on revolving door principles that keep the weak minded coming back. I've never considered myself weak minded, regardless of the inability to cope for so many years. There is a certain level of strength that comes with living this hell, and it's almost impossible to express what it's like, because without experiencing it first hand, I can only see empathy or disgust being possible.
Yes, I had to deconstruct some of these principles to suit my own recovery, and today there is no one that can tell me I got it wrong. Two years living clean is the longest I've gone in my adult life. I consider myself recovered from addiction, but that is not to say continual work and gratitude inventory isn't a necessity. It's really just a matter of perception. View yourself as "damaged" (an addict) forever, and I can see how this might give a predisposition towards relapse. (Just don't go to an AA meeting and say that.)
So I discovered this rapper Colicchie, a man who beat heroin addiction, and is now devoted to spreading his message, as well as proclaiming his devotion to family.
He really goes in with breaking down addiction from his own perspective, so much so, that he made a part two for some added context.
I decided to share both of these rap songs, because they really spoke to me. I connected with the words he rapped, because I have been in those crack houses, I've felt my lips crack and burn from hot glass pipes, and watched my dreams go up in smoke with every hit I took.
"Crawled through a river of shit and came out clean on the other side."
This is how I feel when I think about my addiction today.
Steem has been a major positive and negative outlet for me, and has helped me tremendously in living a life of sobriety.
When I look at my achievements here, I think "Wow, could I have done this while using?" The answer is clearly no way!
Today I have my oldest son on the weekends, and my youngest I won the court battle, so soon I will see him regularly too.
This keeps me going. My children, my dedication to Steem, and those of you who are my friends here have helped me, whether you know it or not. Even the one or two people here that think badly of me, well, thank you to you all as well. I can't expect everyone will like me, but Steem has sure given me some added psychological perspective about people in general, and has been a major positive influence in my life overall.
So thank you all, you men and ladies are the best!
My heart and prayers goes out to those who are impacted by addiction, be it directly addicted, or have family suffering addiction. My advice is to be there for them! (in which ever capacity you are able.)
What hurt me the most during addiction, was my family turning their back on me. Please don't turn your back on a family member in need, they need you, and you might be the one who gives them the strength which ultimately saves their life.
Much love,
@futuremind
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Thanks for sharing such a powerful and raw story. Thank God you are here today to share it and thank god for steem and that you can be there for your boys now.
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Thank you so much for your kind words @vincy!
Everyday I remind myself of what I'm grateful for. Life, and my children are at the top of the list, Steem is right up there too! ;)
Thank you again for the kind words and support :)
You’re welcome! Keep steeming on!
Sorry about the spam comments there was a blockchain problem at the time and I kept trying to click send haha.. I’ve deleted them now
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Hello dear @futuremind.
This testimony is totally shocking.
I believe that the greatest tool you can have in your hands is motivation. It is this that will give you the necessary strength. In this case you had it: They were your children!
You were blessed to be able to visualize the right path.
All best, Piotr.
Thank you so much for the kind words Piotr.
Indeed! It's difficult knowing it took such a drastic wake up call, but I am a stubborn man sometimes, and seem to only learn the hard way more often than not.
It was a blessing for sure, and the blessings have continued since this day. I'm very grateful for life, and my boys.
Many blessing to you and your beautiful family Piotr, thank you again for your kindness.
I love how responsive and positive you are @futuremind :)
I am thankful for the blackout. The 1st thing I got when I read the story.
It was like heaven interrupted and decided this man must lived on to fulfill his greater calling as a father and Curator.
So much feeling and emotions as I read this and I can only say, love never fails. The boys will be so proud of you.
Thumbs up to you. ❤️
Thank you so much for these words @iamjadeline, It's hard to express how much you all mean to me here. I feel the community has helped me stay on track, and given me a great sense of purpose in life!
My kids give me the most strength of all, but I was lacking in purpose, so this is part of the saving grace, no question!
Your triumph over struggle is no less amazing dear, keep up the amazing work. You're one of the greatest mom's I've ever had the pleasure to know!
Thanks for sharing @futuremind. You have been through a lot and thankfully came out safely on the other side. Peace and blessings.
Thank you @redheadpei for your kind words and blessings.
I heard a quote once that your comment just made me think of for some reason. I'm not sure where it originated, but it goes:
"When the body suffers, the soul flourishes."
I think there is some truth in this quote. Thank you again, peace and blessings to you as well.
Thanks @futuremind. 💕 I do believe that’s a true saying as that spark of the divine in each of us burns brighter then.
What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger in the end.
This was a valuable read. A close family member became addicted to a hard drug, and as much as we (and their ex) tried to help them, they denied/lied/spent tons of help money/deceived us/tore us apart.
After a prolonged time, it subconsciously forced me to want to turn my back on them for taking advantage of the rest of my family, resent my other family members for allowing them to be walked all over/giving more money that went straight to the habit, and for generally trying to take us for fools. We tried to help over and over, but got shut down... except when $$ was available. I don't know how to let that go. If you have any advice, that'd be priceless.
I guess it was just the addiction taking control, and they seem to be better after "recovering," although my trust has been broken. I no longer feel like I can pretend that nothing happened when they act like that's the case these days. They haven't apologized... just let the life drift in the past (which is less than a year ago). I fear that I won't be able to see them the same anymore after being lied to.
Hearing your difficulties gave me some hope that they may not be who they sunk into forever, but things would've been drastically different if they didn't excessively lie, and essentially throw away a significant amount of money that was intended to resurrect life, not being used for more drugs.
Thanks for sharing your story and lending your eyes/ears here. Congrats on your new path. Music helps. Since you're a musician, I'm a drummer. I threw up a super simple track today if you'd like to check it out.
Hi @steemmatt, I almost missed your comment for some reason, luckily someone just commented and I saw your comment here. I'm so happy I didn't miss it, because this is important.
In terms of the perpetual deception and thieving with addicts, this is a conundrum even to me, because this wasn't a problem for me. My pain (aside from childhood trauma) was heavy with how much I give and try to help others, only to feel abandoned when I needed help. (it's important to measure expectation, I had expected I would receive the same help if I ever needed it) I lived this way (helping my family actually) until I was sucked dry and fell on some hard times. This is when I found out I was the black sheep of the family.
Even in addiction I was never a thief. I definitely borrowed money from people, but I always paid it back. Was this taking advantage of them? Well, yes and no, they knew damn well what the money was for, but they also knew they would get it back, so in that sense, the select few family and friends who offered that support in the beginning were enabling me because of their own traumas and issues they were dealing with.
I'll lay it right out and say I paid my mothers and 5 younger siblings rent for 2 years, and it was after this that I became homeless and their door was closed to me.
This seriously screwed me up in the head. I never wanted anything back for the help. (but I did maintain an expectation that they would help me if I ever needed help) Family is family, and neither of my son's would ever sleep under a bridge if I could ensure they don't, needle in their arms or not, leaving them to die is fucking wrong, and not something I could imagine doing, no matter how messed up they are. I have a plan for how I would deal with it, and they wouldn't like it, but it would be ultimately be for their help. I'm not going to say the plan here, you can use the imagination.
Stating this, I was definitely abusive towards my family when they didn't offer me shelter. I was so hurt that I became extremely mean, threatening, showing up drunk in the night screaming obscenities. There is no question I was abusive. I can identify the trigger of the abusiveness, and can also identify that I was clinically insane during this time, so I don't hold it against myself, and today they don't hold it over my head either. They've expressed guilt for leaving me that way, but it's difficult to really feel like they mean it, because knowing you left a family member under a bridge, and being the family member under the bridge, are two completely different things.
In the case of your family member, it's a tough one. If you continue to give, you are enabling, and if you don't give, I'm willing to bet that family member is pretty arrogant and not willing to talk about much else. (feel free to tell me I'm off base if I am, just speculation)
You are an empathetic person who loves this family member, or you wouldn't have composed this message, no question.
Forgiveness.. Your family member is not in the right state of mind, and the amount of addicts who become like this is probably 99 percent. It's a very rare breed that doesn't steal and deceive during addiction from my experience, and another motivator for me to get the hell out of that life.
Forgiveness will take time, and might be harder if your family member is not finding recovery, but it's going to be essential for you too. Carrying the pain around with you is corrosive.
The only other advice I can give with the current circumstances is try not to be aggressive or angry when communicating with your family member, and maybe offer them an ear, even if you don't agree and they need to vent. Just listening might help. (if that is something you can bring yourself to do.)
If you ever want to talk about this more extensively, feel free to hit me up on discord man, I can always take some time to help. Helping keeps me going and feels good.
PS. I did see your Evanescence drumming. It was good my man, and I started getting the drum itch while watching. (I do a little drumming as well, but super beginner lol) I'll see you around, I need to get in gear and get to working on some uploads myself, so busy lately it's hard to find time to play. Peace bro 😎
Thanks for this reply. I understand your story and appreciate how you got out of the hole. There's a lot of wisdom in your words and conviction that you're firmly moving forward.
With my family situation, they're allegedly cleaned up for about 8 months now (we think). This is mainly aided by having virtually no money before recently getting a job, and a house in foreclosure that had to be bailed out for them twice. I personally got them back into the gym which also helped, and they got a new girlfriend who was healthier for them, but I don't know if having money again and a few drinks will open the door again for a relapse.
While I'd never even consider trying anything like that ever, they seem to rely on weed and cigarettes regularly, and another hard substance in the past. I can't understand their desire to poison their body and hurt family members emotionally/financially for a thrill or an escape, but to each their own. While an addiction can take full control, they were responsible for the first few times they tried it to get themselves hooked.
Sadly, I don't trust their word anymore because they tried to deceive us and broke that bridge. I don't really even want to see them because they pretend that life is amazing now and nothing ever happened. Personally, I want to turn them upside down and shake the truth out of them, get a real heartfelt apology, and them maybe rebuild if I'm certain it won't resurface.
Time may help, but I'll never see them the same way again. I don't show any aggression or anger towards them. I just keep my distance and they keep their's. I'm sure they're ashamed and also aware they have to pay back a ton of money, but once someone breaks my trust it's game over. The familial bond makes this very complicated and something I'll be forced to have to live along with.
Thanks again for sharing your thoughts and helping me to vent a little about this. I should be ok for now, but will hit you up on Discord for advice in the future if needed.
@futuremind glad you have been clear of using the substance that drove you to suicide years ago. 2 years is great, that shows you have the will power to change and I can tell by the way you write and produce content you are not damaged. As people that are cannot be consistent and you have shown you are capable of making good content regularly. Best of luck in the future and thanks for the kind words you have given me on my journey. Glad to hear yours is improving as well.
Thank you for these kind words friend. The substances were alcohol and cocaine, but alcohol was much more problematic during the course of the addiction. It was a precursor to the cocaine usually. This is one of the reasons Steem is so meaningful to me, it came along when I needed it the most I think.
I did manage to come out unscathed! I lost count of how many times I hit this noggin on concrete or tile floors, and I'm so very grateful that permanent damage was not a result. For fragile creatures, we really defy logic at times, and gives meaning to the idea of "I'm here for a purpose." What are the odds that an expert Marine riflemen would fumble a suicide attempt with the proper tools on hand? Seems like the odds are pretty low, so something surely intervened! You can call that "something" whatever suits you :)
Steem is a special place, we're like a family here. I've seen real tears, moments of triumph, hardship, and even people passing away. We've seen it all on Steem, and we've only just begun.
I'm enjoying this journey with you friend, I wish you the best of luck as well, and can't wait to see what this flourishes into for us all!
Not going to say much but...you know, I'm always reading.
All the best and just remember that someone's always there who wants to see you live a great life :)
Thank you for the kind words my friend @lilacse.
It's always a pleasure to see you.
Very true friend, true indeed.
Be well Lilacse, I will see you around. 🙂
Congratulations. I know how hard that is.
Today. This day was the last day I was fucked up. 29 years ago. I celebrate my 'birthday' on June 18th because I was so messed up I wasn't sure when the last day I used or drank was and I wanted to pick a day that I KNEW I was clean and sober.
It's been a long strange journey, but so worth it. I'm really glad you are getting it done. And let the record show there is a lot of things you don't say in an AA meeting :)
I understand family 'giving up'. There is a point, there is a place, where people just can't deal with it anymore. Different for every person. I was lucky my mother never gave up. She didn't want to see me for a while, but never quit on me entirely. I think they end up taking it personally and you and I both know that it isn't. Personal. It's just convenient to screw family members...
Wow @bigtom13, congratulations on 29 years!!! That is huge! 👏
Oh, I always learn the hard way! haha, yeah, very true lol.
Indeed, there are times when emotions trigger cravings, both in the negative ways, and the cunning "I want to celebrate" ways, and tends to me my first thought when stressed out. "I need a drink!" a bit of pattern repetition in the brain and just takes the rest of your life to undo 😄
This sobriety journey has been mostly positive for me, and gave way to working through childhood trauma, which I can effectively say was the "root". It was essential to get in touch with the root, the "why am I drinking and what do I need to let go of."
It's very empowering, and two years is a ripple in the pond compared to 29 years, so if I have you telling me it's good, I'm sure it will only get better from here!
Thank you so much for your uplifting message to me Bigtom13, and congratulations on your success in maintaining a healthier happier life, free from these substances that destroy lives and tear apart families.
Amazing stuff! As someone who lived as a junky for years and was always attempting self rehabilitation only to perpetually relapse I empathize with you to the fullest.
I as I'm sure you also have lost more souls than I can count to this pandemic affliction. Congratulations on your two years and know that this world and your children need and want you with us. You never have to go back to that hell and you're stronger today for having survived.
I'm also not one to adopt the AA I'm powerless mentality, I or shall I say we indeed have the power. Addiction I feel stems from a lack of connection that feeds off itself until the will to continue is destroyed, the stigma of addiction must be removed as nobody is immune to its cunning ability to ruin all things borne of love.
I hope to someday be able to offer my experiences here on the blockchain for a harm reduction, healing, community where judgements are cast aside and connections can be made before anybody goes to the extremes of depravity that lead to untimely ends.
One love, great post.. Do you mind if I resteem this for awareness?
Thank you for the kind words @skramatters.
I empathize with what you went through as well, and it's apparent you've thought extensively on the "programs."
An empowering feeling like sobriety doesn't sit so comfortably with the idea of powerlessness, when it was me who had to make the choice right?
That's not to say all the principles are wrong. It boils down to what works for you, I just don't need hugs and reinforcement to stay on this train. (My last NA meeting I thought I was going to suffocate from hugs)😄
I couldn't agree more, and it might be a good idea for big pharma to chill with opiates... I've lost so many of my veteran brothers from opiate addiction. The VA hospital got tons of vets hooked on opiates, then took them off cold turkey, effectively producing heroin addicts. The Marine Corps promotes drinking because the Corps was founded in a bar. The Corps breeds drunks, but you won't see this stuff in the mainstream media. I'm not sure about the other branches because I didn't serve in them, but partying hard with barely any responsibility at all to be later discharged in a society that operates completely different, is probably a common military theme in the US.
Yeah man, I'm always fine with a resteem. It's definitely a good message to spread, especially for the sick and suffering who need some hope!
Thanks for stopping by, have a nice night.
Anytime, sorry we got off to such a rocky start. I really wasn't intending to mess with you, and admittedly I have a brash way about me at times. Water under the bridge I hope..
I got busy the other day so am just now getting back to you to thank you for your service as well as your willingness to let me resteem this.
If it only helps one person it's all worth it I always say. Have a good rest of your weekend and I'll see you around.
No hard feelings at all bro, I don't always handle things in the best manner and tend to take things a little too personally sometimes. I can recognize that about myself, and I definitely overreact sometimes lol.
I view it the same, 1000 people might pass over the post without a second glance, but if it speaks to one person in need, and makes a difference in their life, then it was totally worth it!
Thank you for resteeming and spreading the message :)
We're all in this together bro, much love, be easy my man!
Good to hear, I'm glad we could work it out and I can help possibly get this intimate and poignant post out to anyone that needs to see it..
I know there is a addiction or recovery type of portal in the pal discord I believe. I'll pop in there and see if there's a post promotion section..
Dunno if you discord or not...Alright man take it easy
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Wow thats heavy man! The fact that music heals all and gives people a motive to live in passion is divine for sure. Much grace folk.. Keep moving in purpose!
For sure, music has some amazing healing powers!
Just gotta keep on moving and doing what we need to do, I found that purpose, keeping sight of it, and daily gratitude keeps it alive.
Thank you so much for the kind words and support @wolfnworbeikood
Truth is spoken...Much respect!