an early #mentalhealthmonday
things suck right now. I feel small, insignificant, unimportant, and totally useless. I try so hard to make things as close to perfect as they can get...only to have what i missed shoved in my face. i hate this feeling. i have tried so hard to avoid feeling like this. I was on the right track. i was feeling better. i even considered taking my well-being off the back burner for a while. but when i expressed this i was told that was selfish and not at all what I should be doing. And while my trips around in nature to relax may be "fun", they aren't necessary and are irresponsible and childish.
in 2011 i had put myself on the further burner away and never did anything that didn't concern caring for the children the house, or my husband. I had no hobbies, no friends, and no one to talk to. I tried to take my life. I took an entire bottle of my medication and waited to die. I'm feeling that way again due to things that I have been informed of, whether these things are correct or not. I feel disposable. I feel ugly and unwanted.
Nothing I ever do is good enough. even writing this. I will probably get yelled at for revealing my feelings in such a public way. I'll get yelled at for "internalizing" things that were meant to just be listened to. Hard to do when the problems being told about are in direct relation to you. He may even just give up on me, although I feel like he probably already has.
I may not be on for a while. Kind of hard to find the happiness right now. I've been bawling for hours now this morning, alone. If i am caught crying it is treated like I'm just adding more unimportant things to the pile of things already needed attending to. I will once more be put on the back burner, where I'll sit. No one will ever check to see if my contents have evaporated away and if I'm about to start scalding. Well I can tell you...I'm starting to scald. I can't do this anymore.
I don't have advice, just a virtual hug. And an I would tear your husband a new one. Spouses are partners. He should be supporting you as you have been supporting everyone else. You are not a robot servant. You are not last place.
seconding this! much abundant love, hethur... permission to support yourself and put you first. if he can't handle that, that's his problem, not yours. it sounds like your well is a dry and we can't refresh (serve, support, etc) others if we aren't refreshing ourselves. so much love to you!
I love that analogy. Thank you so much for your kind words. Much love to you too!
I'm trying to get myself out of that mindset. I need to remind myself of these things. Thank you, @phoenixwren.
I can't say anything any better than these two lovely ladies already did. So I'm just seconding them and giving you a big virtual hug @hethur240 ❤️
You are one of the strongest women here hethur240. I come to visit you when I need a lift, because you have amazing strength and energy. I often wonder how you manage to squeeze so many hours out of a day. You are creative, caring , and a great Mom.
You. Work hard at the farm and at some point you have to be able to enjoy a little time doing what you enjoy.
You are the most important person to so many people kids included, don’ let one person tell you otherwise.
Be safe. Don’t do anything without talking to someone else. Things change.
Many hugs! 🐓🐓
Thank you, @mother2chicks. I really needed to hear that. I just wish my support system here at home was more...supportive. Thanks again. hugs
I am really upset that I am just now reading this. You are a wonderful person and one of my best friends!!!! I loves you and miss you soooo much it hurts!!! I don't think you were irresponsible or childish at all for going on that camping trip of that's what he was saying. You didn't float because the river was too high and fast for you and the girls. That was responsible. You went home and fed and checked on the animals. That wasn't irresponsible. All the kids came back alive!! You were spontanious and took the kids camping. That isn't childish. Kudos to you for putting this out there. I know it was not easy for you. I wish I could be there to give you a huge hug and a shoulder to cry on!! I loves you my Hethur!!! I know you can be brave though it is hard... you can do this! I can't wait til I can steal away to come visit. We should plan something soon.
Thank you, my tristol. I wish things weren't so shitty right now. I'm finding myself falling. and that's treated like that's something I can choose, when it isn't. I just need a break from the negativity.
I do not know if I understood everything correctly ... But if I understood correctly, I do not like your mood! Are you sure that you do not have depression? Maybe you need to ask for help? I long tried to deal with depression myself. But it helped only when my daughter literally took me by the arm to the doctor. Life is beautiful and you are beautiful, and you have those who love you. Hug you (())
I've had depression and an anxiety disorder since I was 16 years old. I've been on medications for it my whole adult life. Sounds like it's time for those medications to change...
Thanks for being here for me. I really appreciate it. hugs
" And while my trips around in nature to relax may be "fun", they aren't necessary and are irresponsible and childish."
Never irresponsible or childish. Never believe anyone who would tell you it was bad. As humans we look for answers from each other. We have lost the way from nature. Being at peace in nature is a magical thing. Everything is fixed there. Every question answered. I would not know what to say to help anything but there is a tree or plant or rock somewhere that has the best advice.
I hope you stay safe and feel better. Sending you good vibes and love from Alaska.
thank you very much, @lanadancer. I'm still going to enjoy my forays into the woods and river. They're healthy for me and exactly what I need. As long as the animals are well taken care of and all the chores are done at home, I see no reason not to enjoy nature as I always have.
I'm sending you love and hugs and strength and solidarity. i feel much the same right now. <3
Hey @hethur240 you totally can do this! I don't know you, but just from this post and others youve clearly got a strengh of character many would be proud of.
Heck just you typing this post out shows you still have some fight in you, you really need to tell your husband, its highly likely he doesnt know the true extent of how you feel and may lead to some breathing space you need.
Honestly thanks for sharing how you feel its a hard hitting reminder that people don't always understand the inner turmoil those suffering go through if they havnt walked a mile in thier shoes. I really hope you find your way back into the light, keep on fighting!
Sending you positive energy! 💙
I really hope you manage to find something today thay lifts the anxiety/depression a little, grab a coffee, cold drink a pet whatever an find somewhere calm to sit for a while
Thank you so much, @digitaldan. I really appreciate your support. I just need to take it one day at a time. Thanks again.
I went through some stinky years a while back. I found a counselor who helped me find new ways to deal with the unpleasantness in my life. It's not perfect, but it's much better than it was. I hope you have at least one friend nearby in whom you can confide. "Jane" was mine; I called her my private psychiatrist! A shared burden is easier to bear. You have made a start by sharing on here. My prayers are with you.
This online has tentatively helped. It would be nice to have a place to rant where it was more private. I hate unloading all this on my close friends because I don't want their opinion of my husband to change or them to hate him. I learned that the hard way. I'll get over this. In a healthy way hopefully. Thanks so much for your prayers and support. It is much appreciated.
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Please know that I look forward to seeing your posts...what you are doing...and the projects you are working on. You are very talented. Sending positive thoughts your way...
Thank you, @nat-expressions. I really needed to hear that. Thank you for your support of me.
hugs
I think it's probably good you wrote this down... maybe it helps to share, to express the distress?!
I hope it doesn't come back and bite me in the ass. Sometimes I get a little too open. We will see. Thanks for the hugs.
I guess you could always edit it away if you feel it doesn't belong out in the open anymore, but at least you got it off your chest!!