Don't Get Angry, Get Curious: Tips for Non-Reactivity
Anxiety and depression make non-reactivity a challenge for me. I am easily overwhelmed and struggle with sorting my thoughts. This isn't an always issue for me, but it does occur regularly enough that I have had to work hard to create coping mechanisms for myself to prevent lashing out reactively, especially as a parent.
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My reactivity stems from nature and nurture. I was born with neurological differences. I am autistic. With that comes ADHD, anxiety and depression. But those also come from violence and instability in my home when I was a child, culminating in post-traumatic stress disorder. Essentially, the deck for not exploding emotionally is stacked against me, but this doesn't make me incapable of self-control. What it means is that I have to work very hard to maintain my personal balance to stay in control.
I never understood this about myself until I had children. My first child triggered PTSD. I began having flashbacks of abuse when he was very young. I regularly experienced terrifying, intrusive thoughts. The day he was hitting me in a fit of toddler pique and I struck him back thinking he was my father was the day I began the journey to become curious instead of angry.
Let me take a moment to say that anger stems from fear. It is the manifestation of what ifs and because ofs. Anger is a self-defense mechanism that allows us to move from fear into a place of power. But that doesn't mean we aren't still afraid. And that's half of why it's important to get curious when we get angry.
The other half of getting curious is finding out more about the situation causing our anger. When my son was hitting me, he was tired, maybe hungry. He was small and out of control. When I look at his behavior in context, I have no reason to fear or defend. Instead, my impulse shifts to protecting him and tending his needs.
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A flashback complicated that in the moment I'm speaking of, and while I have fewer flashbacks, I still cannot control them. What I can do is control my body when I'm in a flashback to some degree. That skill is one I'm still developing, and I'm happy to say I no longer physically strike out 90% of the time, and the times I do I am able to pull back before making contact. This is because I have trained my brain to ask critical questions about what is happening and why in the moment.
The process is simple but difficult. It requires dedication to staying "in the moment" even when the moment is triggering. For me, this was an absolute requirement. I am unwilling to pass on my parents' abusive legacy. Yet it extends well beyond parenting and into all of my relationships. I want to be a person who can understand and be understood without causing harm or internalizing violence.
I have several tools I use to maintain this goal.
The first step is asking "what is happening right now?"
When I ask the question, I ask it of my environment, those around me and my body. This reminds me of who and where and when I am, factors which can be consumed by reactivity.
I take a breath.
This forces me to pause and move further into my body in the moment. Even if we aren't experiencing a flashback, when we are reactive we are likely reacting to a memory or a possibility. Staying in our bodies keeps us in the present rather than the past or potential future.
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Finally, I assess my situation.
Am I in physical danger? If there is a person at the center of my heartstorm, are they purposefully trying to incite my rage? Who are they in comparison to me. Again, this usually happens with my kids. I don't need to verbally eviscerate a five-year-old. I can't think of when I would ever need to enact verbal violence, but the impulse is always there. So I must then inquire as neutrally as possible if I am correctly hearing/receiving what the person speaking/acting is trying to convey. Some ways to do that begin:
Am I hearing you say . . . ?
I'm not sure I fully understand. Do you mean . . . ?
and sometimes,
Is everything okay?
This is where it gets tricky: Lots of people speak without internal clarity. This means they don't know what they are trying to say. Asking them can cause them to become defensive. I know this because I get defensive when I'm speaking from an unclear or reactive place. I feel like the person trying to clarify is trying to tear me down rather than understand me. I have to focus on that breath and slow my roll.
Asking whether everything is okay is an olive branch in fraught times. It implies a willingness to listen and hear. Don't offer it if you don't mean it. Remember, they may need to work out their intentions so you may be in for a long haul. If you aren't up for that, consider saying, "I need to think about what's happening right now and would like to talk about it later." You can even add, "when I feel safe." Some will feel those are fighting words, so say them for you. They are a reminder for you that you are going to do self-care by calming down and working to understand why the emotional maelstrom is happening.
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Most important is that you are willing to be wrong. Reactivity skews our perception of the truth. If we are capable of accepting we've misinterpreted the situation, we are more likely to reach a non-violent resolution. This means taking into consideration that we actually are misunderstanding when the answer to whether we've got it right is no. This does not mean we absorb all the blame. Boundaries are essential in communication. People who were raised like I was often assume we are at full fault and that the onus is on us to correct course. This leads to compromising personal values which can create later reactivity and feelings of shame.
The hardest truth I've had to accept is that reactivity does not make me a bad person or parent. I only cross that line when I refuse to break the behavioral pattern.
Do you struggle with reactivity? When and why?
P.S. Reactivity can stem from a lack of self-trust. Find my latest podcast below to learn more about trusting yourself.
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I never lashed out physically, but I did tear people down with my words. That was my form of lashing out. And it was my signal that something wasn't right. There was a lot of anger there in my youth. So much so it frightened me, and I turned inwards. I shut down. Turned to other harmful therapeutic aids.
I feel like I have been slowly coming back out of that whole experience over the last few years, and more so over these last few months. Like I am feeling suppressed emotions for the first time in a couple of decades. Realising things as it happens.
Part of it for me is allowing it, but remaining wary. I know my history, but it's like I also trust myself more now. I don't use words and verbal interactions like I used to. Not for some time now. I can remain silent and process any flashbacks and triggered emotions far more than ever before. This is progress to me.
I also know that part of that reversal of past suppression, and the current state of releasing old stuck hurts and emotions, is that I have posts like this one, and bloggers such as yourself, all appear at a time that seems almost magical.
"and bloggers such as yourself, all appear at a time that seems almost magical."
Yes!
Serendipity is one way to put it. Good timing. Intuition? Zeitgeist? Some agency, some sentient entity, linking us? Some algorithm we generate with words and energy?
Perhaps some form of attuned energies. Like attracts like. I like the idea of algorithm. Perhaps this is a Matrix like world, running on some sort of conscious type algorithmic pattern and program.
Moments of so called synchronicity are like drops of magic in our otherwise unobserved world. To me they are little wake up calls - like the wind whispering pay attention now.
This exchange feels like poetry to me. Yes, I feel that magic, because I read others, then I write from what is jarred in my heart. Others read me, then they jar my heart. I feel actual pain at this moment because this speaks to me so deeply--the feeling and the need to stay ahead or watchful of it as an action, of how we can break under the weight of it along a previous fracture, but how we are also healed and stronger so we can trust. Thank you.
When @naquoaya opens his mouth, poetry falls out!
Just.... effortlessly, naturally!
I've been noticing that! Sheesh.
This is an interesting post. There's so much here I can relate with especially speaking when I am not too clear about what I mean. Also that need to take the blame for anything that goes wrong. This has affected my relationships as I end up feeling defensive and angry at my need to be defensive.
I am trying to be a better me, because I think that I deserve to have sunshine in my life. So this is me saying thank you for a lovely post and I hope you will complete the process and find a better you. Peace.
Sometimes I find I am talking in circles in an effort to clarify my thinking. My partner has learned to listen ad echo back, then challenge me at the end if I'm saying something off-base. I'm grateful he's taken the time to know me well enough to know that what comes out of my mouth is not always what I mean. It's very hard to not be angry and defensive when we are searching for clarity and aren't being heard as we are not even able to hear ourselves. <3
You do deserve to have sunshine. We are on the path of self-improvement and self-love together. I'm grateful for your company.
There are serious reasons why we should not let ourselves wallow in anxiety and anger. By doing so, we may be actually causing negative health effects. There is some convincing evidence that too much anxiety and anger can put mPFC systems under increased excitation, which can lead to neurodegeneration in extreme circumstances. Even though this is not something to worry about on small scale, it does give a biological reason to be wary of our emotional states.
If you are interested in learning more about the molecular side of these issues, you can check out my recent post: Molecules to Mental States: Psychological Stress and Cell Death
Thanks so much for this well articulated post!!!
Thank you for this, @ngans. I'll be over to read soon!
Anxiety is always my trigger to reactivity. Today, the SO asked me to sit with her and go over our credit card statements, as we prepare to cut some expenses before the move, and my initial reaction was "noooooo!" But I settled down, and we did the thing, and it wasn't so bad, and I cancelled some recurring expenses I can definitely do without.
Oh man. When you cancel unecessary expenses it's like giving yourself a gift. I'm happy you were able to reroute your anxiety and get through. I have to admit that money is a HUGE stressor for me. I'm very grateful my SO pays the bills and I manage the bank accounts.
My SO pays the bills too! With my dyscalculia and ADHD, we'd be sunk otherwise.
We match in so many ways.
This is such good and relevant advice. I admire you for putting in the effort to truly understand where and what are triggering your reaction. Also, congratulations on figuring all this out and developing a method that you could share with all of us.
Thank you so much. It's definitely been a worthwhile journey, and if my trials can help anyone else, that's icing on the cake.
Thank you so much for these posts - and terms that are new to me, even though I've tried counselors and three different psychiatrists, a psychologist, etc, and a cocktail of pharmaceuticals with psychotropic side effects clearly listed. *sigh
**I must then inquire as neutrally as possible if I am correctly hearing/receiving what the person speaking/acting is trying to convey. Some ways to do that begin:
I love what you say here, especially:
We all strive to be functional in the ways acceptable to society. It can be a true struggle. But if we find the space to think first, act next, we are able to achieve "good," whether our version or society's. Usually, we hold ourselves to an even higher standard.
good job @shawnamawna
Thank you.
Our exposure to depression sometimes shape and recreate us with advanced level
of knowledge and skills on such issues making us ready in provision of exact solutions and answers if we are to face such similar issues. @shawnamawna.
Great post!
It takes a lot of courage to talk about the remnants of trauma and about reactivity like this. Thank you for sharing your journey, and for bringing forth these important questions!